The Virtual Wife

To All the Amazing Women I know on Valentine's Day

2012-02-13T14:03:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day is vastly over-rated. It is one of those holidays (as most are) that receives a lot of hype (mostly by retailers hoping to capitalize on guilt and peer pressure) and rarely lives up. Not because we don't try but because things rarely turn out as great as we anticipate. First of all, this year it's on a Tuesday night and who the hell has time on a Tuesday night for a conversation with our spouse let alone romance. And should we miraculously find a babysitter who isn't celebrating their own Valentine's Day, restaurants are booked for months and their menus are suddenly twice as much for the same food.

This year I am not really into it and I am fine with that. I did run out today (yup, the day before when the shelves are picked over and mostly empty) to get a couple goodies for my hubby and the kids, but nothing too extravagant. The crazy thing is, although I don't really care that much about it, I still want to be remembered tomorrow as if somehow to prove my worth to myself. I mean I know how much I give and do for my family, but what I really want is for them to notice and tell me how completely indispensable I am to their lives. (As if that might happen any time in the next 18 years. I have the same wish each year on Mother's Day and my birthday by the way.)

So this year, I wanted to spread the message to all the amazing women (and men) in my life who spend more time worrying and caring about their families than they do themselves. You are truly amazing. You are a fantastic wife and mother, friend, sister, aunt, and more. You are strong and resilient and at the same time loving and kind. You make the world a better place every day. And yes, all the small things you do every day that no one notices like laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning and cooking is what makes your family tick and you should be proud of it. You remember what each of your kids (and husband) will not eat, their favorite show, what upset them at school, why they are mad at whoever and yet still manage to get everyone where they need to be when and the birthday card to Aunt Sue. You are a Super Woman and don't ever forget it!

So Happy Valentine's Day to you. I thought I would share the card I bought today for one of my friends, it about sums it up...

Being a Good Parent Sucks Part 2

2012-02-08T15:30:00.001-05:00

Things are looking much better today but I am still not sure what being a "good parent" entails. Not only did I let my son play in a last minute basketball game last night when he hadn't done his homework for the second night in a row, but I strongly encouraged it. And I am glad I did. It turned out to be a great game for him, pulled him out of his funk and he immediately did his homework when he got home from the game. At first glance I thought, wow - I am a terrible mom! I totally gave in and let him do something fun even though he refused to do his homework. But in the end it worked out and everyone is happier today because of it.

I will say that my four year old is still a challenge but we have noticed that when we limit his electronics (tv, iPad, etc) he is actually a happier and nicer person. So with that being said, I am trying not to be so hard on myself and realizing that I can be a good parent and give in from time to time.

I know the one thing I need to work on is teaching my kids to be more self-sufficient. Let's face it, sometimes it is way easier to do it ourselves than beg and plead for them to do it for themselves. Again, this is me just trying to get through the day. But I know that in the long-run this will be better for them and for me. Here is a great quote that I found today that I think will help me remember. Have a great day and happy parenting!

In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings. ~ Ann Landers

Being a Good Parent Sucks

2012-02-07T14:13:00.000-05:00

Let's face it, being a parent is hard, but being a good parent (aka, doing the right thing as opposed to the easy thing) is almost always shitty. With my first son, life was pretty easy. There was only one of him and for the first four years it was only me (with a lot of help from my family). He was pretty well behaved, very smart and of course spoiled. I had no one to answer to as I was a single mom and I could make any decision I wanted about anything and no one could tell me I was doing it wrong (that I had to listen to anyway). I know I wasn't always as strict with him as I should have been, but he was a good kid and since I was working full time, I admit I took the easy way out a lot. (I look at pictures of me back then and think who cares, look at me all in shape, dressed nice and with my shit together.)

Fast forward 11 years, a marriage, another baby and two step sons and I still tend to take the easy way out, which without also having my shit together is not so great. Who the hell has time to do anything else! Not only do I have someone to answer to now (aka my loving husband with whom I share all my decisions with), but we also have four boys ranging from 4 to 14 who all think they are the boss. Many days (between work, school, homework, 5 basketball practices and games, shuffling kids around, grocery shopping, meals and everything else) all I want to do is just get through the day - never mind make my life more difficult, which is what doing the right things usually offers me. I know that in the long run, being strict and firm will make my life easier, but getting there is shear hell and I am not sure I am strong enough to make that journey.

First let me start by telling you that our 4 year old is amazing. He is cute and funny, super smart and a fantastic dancer. He also never sits still, and his two favorite things in life are TV and candy. Yup, bad mom here confessing that TV has been a great babysitter while trying to make dinner, do laundry or just keep the peace among siblings. And also recognizing that while candy might be a great bargaining chip or bribe, it probably isn't very high on our doctor's recommended list of foods for good behavior. Oh, and did I mention that he likes to swear? And I am not talking 4 year old made up swears, I am talking things that would be offensive if an adult said them to you. We are finally to the point of knowing that something needs to change, but changing it and not killing each other in the process is a huge challenge.

We have been limiting his TV to about an hour or so a day (down from like 6), limiting the shows is watching to educational (think Super Why instead of Supah Ninjas) and trying to be better about his diet. I am pretty sure the results aren't that different than what a crack addict goes through when you take away his crack pipe. Seriously. Picture one of the cutest little boys you have ever seen (picture below to support this statement) turning into a demon child who will spit at you and say F**k You on a dime when you turn the TV off - how the hell is that making my life easier? Not to mention that his listening skills are that of a deaf mute. So when we finally have had enough and go to bring him where we told him to go (usually time out or to his room), he turns into Gumby and makes it impossible to do anything but drop him - to which he screams, "Daddy! Mommy just threw me on the ground!"

As if that wasn't enough fun for one family, we have two tweens and a teenager. I am pretty sure that the only way they know how to communicate is to argue. Honestly, if you tell them that two plus two equals four, they give you ten ways that they can disprove that. And they will stick to that for hours if not days. The most frustrating thing is that they will do things they think they are doing to punish us which inevitably also punishes them. But god forbid you point that out! My husband and I have somehow gotten so stupid that nothing we say is correct. (Funny how if someone else says the same exact thing who isn't us, it is some how right.) Here again is where doing the right thing kicks you in the ass every time. At least with the four year old, he moves on quickly from a tantrum to loving you. With the teenagers, they hate you for days. They dig their heels in and won't budge. If only I was good at the silent treatment and just ignoring them. But no, every time I come up with something I think is witty to say, I open my big stupid mouth and keep everything going for like 3 more days.

Last night was an argument over homework. Apparently my son was so angry that two of his grades weren't As, that he thought not doing his homework was some kind of protest. Hmmmm...so instead of working harder at getting the As he wants, he spend the night in his room (because no homework no TV, computer or even Kindle - yup, I would not even let him read!) and went to school today having not done his homework. Must have been an interesting conversation with his teachers today. And somehow I know this is my fault, cause in the end it always is.

I never thought I would see the day when Monday would be my favorite day, but lately the workdays are so much better than the weekends. The other day I actually said out loud, "I am not looking to be a good Mom, I am just looking to survive." That about sums it up...

Saving Sanity, One iPhone at a Time

2011-11-30T15:30:00.000-05:00

My husband must think I am crazy because my goal in life is to be perfectly organized all the time with every part of my life. Notice I said, "my goal." I am not perfectly anything, not even a little bit. But they say a goal is the first step, next comes the plan and then the execution. The problem is that I feel like I am forever living in the planning and execution phase of organization, but I never actually get to where I want to be. Why even go for it in the first place? But I find that when I am short on time, which is always, when things are organized and I know just where to find something, it takes less time to get out the door and I feel much less stressed. I think most of us can agree that that is the case. The big, huge question now is how to get from here to there. So I thought I would share with you a couple of my secrets for trying to stay organized with almost anything and how to from execution to done, even on a really small scale.

The most important thing to remember and realize is that you don't need to do everything all at once or find 7 hours to set aside to get something done. You can do almost anything for 15 minutes. I did not come to this realization on my own however, I am just not that enlightened. A couple years ago, I came across a website FlyLady.net. FLYing means Finally Loving Yourself and its a system to help you establish routines and build a basic weekly plan. While I don't FLY as much as I would like it, I definitely find the bedtime and morning rituals help me keep things in order and checked off my list. I have it set up for email reminders to keep me motivated. She says that you can do anything for 15 minutes and its so true. Set a timer and go, you will be surprised how much you can get done! My only issue was that I really wanted a Fly Lady App because I live and die by my iPhone but up until recently there wasn't one. Enter Cozi...

Now Cozi on it's own is fantastic. Cozi is a free online organizer that helps families manage crazy schedules, track shopping lists and to do lists, organize household chores, stay in communication and share memories—all in one place. You can find them at www.cozi.com. What I love about Cozi is that I can manage everything either online or from my iPhone app and so can my husband and kids (if they choose to). When you add something to your family calendar it is color coded by family member and you can choose to have a reminder texted or emailed to you (I love this feature because let's face it, we don't always remember to check our calendar) Recently, I was reminded just in time that it was picture day at my son's daycare and we were able to quickly change before heading out for the day. You can easily download school and sports teams calendars quickly to your Cozi calendar without having to retype everything. As long as its an iCal, it will work. I love this feature because it used to take me literally hours to do this for 3 different schools and three different sports teams per season. And since Flylady loves Cozi just as much, they got together and now I can have my cleaning lists stored in my Cozi account. Every week Flylady offers up a new Zone in your house to clean. Evey day she offers little tasks to do in that Zone to keep away the Chaos. I can now add those daily chores to my Cozi account and they show up on my calendar. Honestly, I don't do them most days cause I just have no time but at least they are there just in case.

Most recently my parents both got iPhones and I took two seconds to download the Cozi App to their phones as well. Now, whenever they want to know when my son's next basketball game is (and where) or what I have planned for the week, all they have to do is open their Cozi App.

As we are smack in the middle of the crazy holiday season, with time being a precious commodity, Cozi will hopefully help you organize things a little better and keep the family all on the same page. Just wanted to share something that this busy mom has found to be a life savor.

P.S. - I have also stopped trying to put up a dry erase calendar each month which takes forever to get just right. Now I print this month and next month from my Cozi account and post them in our family message center. It looks so much neater, everything fits and if things change I just print a new copy and switch them out. Love it!

Ten Things I Wish My Children Could Understand

2011-11-15T14:05:00.001-05:00

Parenting is hard stuff. Now if you are a parent, you just said AMEN SISTER! and if you are a child, you just rolled your eyes at me. As I sit here writing this, I really wish that our kids knew just how hard it was because maybe then they would cut us some slack. My husband and I were lucky enough to take a 5 day trip to warm tropical places without kids recently and it sure did put things in perspective. I am pretty sure that we didn't fight once, not a single negative thought entered my head during the entire week. Being among adults for that long was like being in heaven. No one talked back to us, no one was rude or condescending and no one expected me to pick up after them. Then we came home and reality hit me like a slap in the face. Life is hard. Being a parent is hard. And doing what you know is right is hard, especially when it makes your children unhappy. Let's face it, as parents we want nothing more than for our children to be happy all the time, but that just isn't possible and its hard to be the reason they are upset. So for all you kids out there, here are ten things that your parents wish you knew and understood cause it would make the next 10+ years so much easier for everyone...

10. Being a parent is hard work, really, really hard work. From the moment you are born, until the day you die we worry about you and feel responsible for you even when you are grown up. It is a job that takes every minute of every day and creeps into every thought. And there is very little thanks given until you are old enough to understand the sacrifices we have made for you. But we wouldn't trade it for anything.

9. We don't want to say no all the time. I know you find this one really hard to believe, but our lives would be much easier if we could say yes all the time. But unfortunately, we don't have the time, money or bad judgement to always say yes. If you think No is hard to hear, you should know it is a million times harder to say. We love you and we want you to be happy, but life just doesn't work that way and no is a big part of life. Sorry...

8. We actually do know what you are going through. While it may seem to you that we are ancient, we still remember what it was like to be your age and we definitely remember how hard it was. In fact, most of us wouldn't go back no matter how much you paid us. And even as adults, we hate homework just as much (if not more) than you do. Growing up is hard and other kids can be mean. If we could, we would shelter you from everything bad, but we can't. However, we are always here for a hug (and we won't tell anyone). And every now and then you might want to listen to our advice because we have already lived through it (and no, it wasn't totally different when we were growing up).

7. We are on your side. That is the great thing about family, we are here for you no matter what and we are always on your side even if doesn't feel like it. We will always listen to you and try our best to help in anyway that we can. But we can't help if you don't tell us what is wrong, so trust us a little - we might surprise you.

6. The world is a cruel place and our job is to protect you. Unfortunately there are bad people out there that do bad things (even good people do bad things sometimes). Our job is to make sure they don't do bad things to you. You may think we are being over protective or just plain annoying, but in the end we are always worried about "what-ifs" and will make our decisions based on keeping you safe. We know you think it won't ever happen to you, but believe me it is going to happen to someone. We don't want that someone to be you. Please listen even half of the time, because it could honestly save your life some day.

5. Money does not grow on trees. I am sure you have heard this a million times, I know I did growing up. (And yes, when you are a parent you will totally say all those annoying things your parents said that you swore you would never say.) It's hard at your age to understand the value of money or just how hard you have to work to earn it. You will soon find out when you get your first job, but until then please take our word for it that money is hard to come by. Not only do we not make enough to begin with, but everything costs money like the house you live in, the food you eat, the car that takes you everywhere, even the water you shower in every day (yes, water is not free). Again, if we could buy you everything you wanted we just might (reference #9).

4. Sometimes it breaks our hearts to punish you. I know you think we love to do this, but honestly we don't. Taking away things you like is no fun for us, remember - we really want you to be happy. Many times after I punish my kids, I feel sad and guilty all day. And most times, without you being occupied by computers, video games and friends, it honestly makes life harder for your parents. But our job is to teach you right and wrong and that you need to be held accountable for your own actions. My advice - if you don't want to be punished for something, then you should think twice about doing something you know you shouldn't do (and you totally know you shouldn't be doing it so don't try to play dumb - we are on to you).

3. If you want me to be nice to you, be nice to me. This should go without saying, but for some reason this is lost on most people under the age of 22 (and even some adults). I don't like to yell, really I don't. I would like nothing more than than to float from day to day with a smile on my face happy as can be. However, I also don't like when people are rude or mean to me, just like you don't like it when I am rude or mean to you. So let's make a deal. I will smile and be nice (and say please and thank you) if you can promise to do the same for me. It may take some getting use to, but I think you might actually find it is nice to get along.

2. You get more bees with honey. Okay, so the saying really goes "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar", and means being sweet-tempered will get you what you want sooner than being sour-tempered. This is very similar to #3. What is boils down to is this - if you want something from me, ask me nicely. I am much more likely to say yes (even to something I should say no to) if you are nice and polite and give me good (real) reasons as to why this is important to you. Your presentation will actually set the tone for how the entire exchange between us goes, so tread wisely...

1. We love you no matter what. I am not sure there is anything you can do that would make me stop loving you. (That is not an invitation to try however.) I know that you will make mistakes and do stupid things as you grow up. That is what growing up is all about. But please know that I will love you anyway and in spite of all that. My job is to help you through the hard times and move past the mistakes and kiss away your tears. We are in this crazy ride together so we might as well hold hands as we fall.

My Top 10 Favorite Inspirational Quotes for Women

2011-09-13T16:24:00.000-04:00

For some reason, I am feeling rather inspired on this glorious Tuesday so I thought I would share some words of encouragement and wisdom (of course a lot of the thoughts below are ads but hey, I am not picky about where I draw my inspiration from). I hope you feel beautiful and empowered even just a little!

10. "My butt is big and round like the letter C and then thousand lunges have made it rounder but not smaller. And that's just fine. It's a space heater for my side of the bed. It's my ambassador. To those who walk behind me, it's a border collie that herds skinny women away from the best deals at clothing sales. My butt is big and that's just fine. And those who might scorn it are invited to kiss it." - Nike

9. "You don't stand in front of a mirror before a run and wonder what the road will think of your outfit. you don't have to listen to its jokes and pretend they're funny in order to run on it. It will not be easier to run if you dress sexier. The road doesn't notice when you're not wearing make up. It does not care how old you are. And you don't feel uncomfortable if you make more money than it. The only thing the road cares about is that you pay it a visit once in a while." - NIKE Goddess

8. "All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough, they'll say you're the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. THEY WILL TELL YOU NO, a thousand times no until all the no's become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly. They will tell you no. And YOU WILL TELL THEM YES." - Nike Unknown

7. "A WOMAN IS OFTEN MEASURED by the things she cannot control. She is measured by the way her body curves or doesn't curve, by where she is flat or straight or round. She is measured by 36-24-26 and inches and ages and numbers, by all the outside things that don't ever add up to who she is on the inside. And so if a woman is to be measured, let her be measured by the things she can control, by who she is and who she is trying to become. Because every woman knows measurements are only statistics and STATISTICS LIE." - Nike 1994

6. "Too often we are scared. Scared of what we might not be able to do. Scared of what people might think if we tried. We let our fears stand in the way of our hopes. We say no when we want to say yes. We sit quietly when we want to scream. And we shout with the others, when we should keep our mouths shut. Why? After all,we do only go around once. There's really no time to be afraid. So stop. Try something you've never tried. Risk it. Enter a triathlon. Write a letter to the editor. Demand a raise. Call winners at the toughest court. Throw away your television. Bicycle across the United States. Try bobsledding. Try anything. Speak out against the designated hitter. Travel to a country where you don't speak the language. Patent something. You have nothing to lose and everything everything everything to gain. JUST DO IT." - Nike 1992: Barry Sanders

5. "I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass."Maya Angelou

4." You are more powerful than you know; you are beautiful just as you are." - Melissa Etheridge

3. "I always thought that people told you that you're beautiful--that this was a title that was bestowed upon you, that it was other people's responsibility to give you this title. And I'm sick of waiting, people! I think that the world is pretty cruel to women in what it considers beautiful and what it celebrates as beauty. And I think that it's time to take this power into our own hands and to say, "You know what? I'm beautiful. I just am. And that's my light. I'm just a beautiful woman." -Margaret Cho

2. "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe

1." You have the power. You are the magic wand." - Laura Schlessinger

Bad Mom Here

2011-09-06T20:43:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I don't really think I'm a bad mom. Overall, I think I am a pretty great mom when it comes to some things and a mediocre mom at best with others. What got me thinking about this was the start of school and how moms are pretty much divided into two groups, the ones who are sad to see the kids go and the ones who can't wait for the kids to get the f**k out of the house. I am fully committed to the second group. Does this mean I don't love my kids or enjoy their company? Not at all, but our time together needs to be taken in small doses. And honestly, this is as much for their sake as it is for mine.

Growing up as a girl of the 80s, I never even considered I might be a stay at home mom. The message back then was that we could absolutely have it all. We were pretty and smart and we would have glorious careers AND be mothers. In high school, I was voted most likely to lead a feminist movement (but in a 'like to wear makeup and be girlie' way) and most likely to become a Supreme Court Judge. Needless to say, I was quite outspoken about how great girls were and how we could do anything we wanted to do. Even when I had my first son, I never gave much thought to staying at home.

As I got older and the reality of motherhood and life set it, I must admit I was a bit jealous when I would go out at lunch and see moms with their kids at the store. I would feel a yearning for not having a boss, having the freedom to come and go as I pleased as well as spend unlimited amounts of time with my kids. (Okay, I know that freedom is a bit of a misleading word when you are talking about toting little ones around all day, but I was all about the grass is greener back then) And then I was laid off for eight months when my second son was two and I started to recognize all the things I was not good at.

For starters, I was not good at being a stay at home mom. I just wasn't. I tried, I really did. For a while, I did the library trips and the nature walks and even attempted some arts and crafts. But as my time at home with my toddler increased, it became very clear that I was not cut out for this. The longer he was with me and not at daycare, I started to worry that I was hindering his growth. They were such great teachers and had taught him so much, like the alphabet song and how to count. I had no time for these indulgences as I felt like my days were pretty much spend chasing after him, cleaning up the chaos that he left in his wake. Clearly school was a much better place for him. I had no idea how they did, but it was obvious to me that they did it better than I ever could. And honestly, I was okay with that. I am back at work now and everyone is much happier (and much smarter).

I am also terrible at playing. I have all boys and I must admit that I never understood the lure of matchbox cars, ninjas and sword fighting. I try hard to fake it, but I am not much good at that either. When my son wants to play a game of one on one, I cringe before I finally say yes. And I think the last time I tried to pitch to him it came right back at me and hurt like hell. I am a girl, not doubt about it, which makes it a challenge when you have only sons. Ballerinas and tea parties are more my speed. I am really a good fan however, and love cheering them on with all the sports they play. I am also really great at making sure they are outfitted with everything they need every season. So there's something.

I love my boys more than anything and would do anything for them. But I can honestly say that I am not really that sad to see them head off to school. I think we all have lives to lead outside of our family and we are all better people because of it. I love our dinners, bedtimes (mostly), and weekends spent together. But I also love the quiet just around 8:30 in the morning when my house is still and empty and the only one home is me.

The new "keeping up with the Joneses"

2011-08-16T11:26:00.000-04:00

This was posted as a guest post on www.scarymommy.com last September, but since I have been feeling this way all summer and plan on writing a follow up today (or later this week, cause lets face it, I totally suck at blogging lately), I thought I would re-post on my own blog...enjoy!

The new "keeping up with the Joneses"

I have a friend, who as a teacher, had the summer off with her kids. At the beginning of the summer she posted, on Facebook, a picture of her kids on the beach and labeled it, "Day 1 @ Salisbury Beach!" in her photo album titled, "69 Days of Summer 2010." As the summer progressed she posted pictures of fun activities such as Water Country (twice), bowling, Chuck E. Cheese, parades, snow cones, fireworks on a boat, Storyland, and well, you get the picture. All the while, I was doing my best just to get through the hot summer days without major incidents. This isn't the first time that a friend's post on Facebook has made me feel less than adequate. Much like I used to feel when I was growing up and I would read Cosmopolitan with all those perfect girls who had great hair, gorgeous skin and skinny legs, I was feeling imperfect all over again. Except now it was bigger and worse somehow. When it was just me, the only one I had let down by not being skinny was myself. But now, I had a whole family to let down. Not to mention what all the other moms would think if they knew that I wasn't as perfect as they were. There were pictures of fun family vacations, while mine turned out to be a disaster. Of course I would still try to get one or two "perfect" pictures to post on my own page so everyone could see just how great my family was too. But still I didn't get it.

Then, one day, I told my teacher friend how great of a mom she was and terrible I was to not have done such great things with my kids. She laughed out loud and said that they were only a handful of days and all the other crap that happened over the summer didn't make her profile. And so I laughed too. What I slowly started realizing is that most people try to paint the rosy picture of their lives that they show you on Facebook. No one wants you to know that their life is crap 90 percent of the time. Every now and then you will see a post of a mom complaining that she is seriously in need of a glass of wine. But you will almost never see one that talks about the terrible fight she had with her husband last night and how she almost threw him out. Instead, you will see her post her wedding picture and thank the most wonderful man in the world for ten years of wedded bliss.

I am pretty sure I am not the only mom out there who has faced Facebook depression. The problem with this type of social site is, although it is public (for the most part), most people treat it as a private little scrapbook. People talk about how great their girls' night out was, while others see that and realize they weren't invited. It's worse than high school when you only knew about the snubs and 'perfect' people for a couple hours a day. Now, 24 hours a day, you can log on and feel inferior.

And then there is the creepy, Facebook stalker syndrome. Okay, I know you have been there. This is where someone (maybe you) feels like they know you simply because they are a friend of your friend. I have seen it happen personally when with a friend at the mall, I ran into another friend and introduced the two only to have one of them make a comment about how she knows who she is because she sees her picture all the time on Facebook. Another time a friend of mine made an update that she was headed to the Post Office to get her passport. I happened to be there the same day and crazy enough, I knew exactly why she was there when I ran into her. I know when people are hung over, when they are on vacation and when their kids win a basketball game.

Now don't get me wrong, I love Facebook and Twitter and all that stuff. I am definitely addicted. I have it on my iPhone and uploads pictures of nothing to share every chance I get. They have helped me stay in touch with friends and cousins that I might otherwise have lost touch with long ago. Sometimes life is so busy that I don't talk to my local friends for days, but I still know what they are up to. I wouldn't give it up, but maybe I need to read it with more of a disclaimer in my head like, "The events depicted in this site are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental." Then I will realize that Facebook is like looking at a snapshot, a frozen moment in time that doesn't usually tell the whole story. It's a guilty pleasure much like magazines at the grocery store checkout.

Words of Wisdom from a Golf Widow

2011-04-06T13:37:00.000-04:00

Yes, it is that time of year again. For all you golfers out there, this is a time filled with joy and anticipation of long days spent hitting the links and hanging with your friends. For all your wives and girlfriends, better known as golf widows, it is the time of year we dread the most. Don't get me wrong, we want to be happy for you, we really do. But along with your new found freedom and happiness comes our misery and servitude.

Imagine if you will for a moment that once a week (or more), we were to leave you with all your kids for say, five hours or more. During which time us ladies would be enjoying the beautiful outdoors with our friends, having a great time and thinking nothing of you and the family. Keep in mind that I am completely unreachable by text or phone. While back at home, you would be feeding, dressing, cleaning and entertaining the insubordinate mob that seems to subscribe to Lord of the Flies order of things. There would be dishes to wash, laundry to get done and all the while a snotty, crying little person would be hanging off your leg cause his brother wouldn't let him play the violent, rated M video game he shouldn't be playing anyway. And this is just the first 20 minutes. And then, just when you think you have had as much as you can take, and you start to get excited because my car pulls in the driveway, I walk in, ask what's for dinner and proclaim how tired I am. I then immediately head for the couch, lay down and fall asleep. Welcome to our world from April til November. I am not complaining mind you, just telling you like it is. No wonder we are crabby.

Now I am not suggesting that you golfers quit, because I know that would never happen (and that most of you actually need golf to breath). So I have put together a couple tips that all you golfers out there should follow during golf season to ensure marital bliss in your household:

1. Thank your wife (a lot) for understanding your need to play golf. Thank her the morning before you leave, thank her when you get home. And if you can throw in a quick text on the 10th tee thanking her, that would be phenomenal! Helpful Hint: Flowers bought on the way home from your round of golf are a great way to say thank you and show her you were thinking about her.

2. Tag, You're It! Your wife has just been "it" for the past five hours. She is very tired and is completely done chasing after everyone and answering each little demand. When you walk in the door, you are now "it." Give her some time off so she can regain her sanity. She might want to go shopping, she might want to crawl into her bed, or she might want to slip into a bubble bath with a glass of wine. But whatever she wants to do, I can guarantee it will be kid free. And you must tell the kids that daddy is now in charge cause saying, "but honey, the kids wanted you" is not allowed. They wanted you too just as you were about to chip onto the 8th green, but I didn't drop them off...

3. Dinner is on you. One of the most wonderful things you can do after a day of golf is be in charge of dinner. You have many options here. You can take the family out. You can grab some take-out on your way home (your wife's favorite of course) or you can even cook. But I guarantee your wife will forget all about her long, miserable day (well maybe) if you take on dinner that night.

4. Encourage "me" time for your wife. Thank her again for letting you do what you love to do, play golf. And then encourage her to do something she loves to do that is all about her. Most important here is to really mean it. When she heads out to yoga on a Wednesday night and you are on bedtime duty, you are not allowed to complain or even utter a single sigh. Tell her to have fun and even do the dishes for her. Do not call her, do not text her unless the house is on fire or someone is in the hospital. The more time she gets to enjoy doing what she likes, the more golf you will get to play.

5. Help out more when you are home. This seems fairly obvious to us wives, but for all you guys out there - pay attention. When you are home, be engaged. Ask your wife if she needs help, play with your kids. We know you are tired after a long day of work, but we are tired too. The quicker the crappy stuff gets done, the more quality, fun time we can all spend together. The more fun we have together, the more I like you. The more I like you, the more golf you get to play. It really is that simple!

As we head into another spring weekend, I wish all of you golfers out there a birdie or two on your next round. Play your cards right and your wife might even be waiting at home for you to celebrate your best round of golf ever. And good luck to all you golf widows out there, may you survive another season!

The Perfect Mom Bag

2011-03-26T14:45:00.000-04:00

Some people like to bake, others scrapbook, some are even good enough to run - I organize. I consider myself a perfectionist. Not that I am perfect by any means, but I live in constant pursuit of organizational perfection. The problem is, there is no such thing as perfect. Therefore, I am constantly organizing and reorganizing. My poor husband can never find anything in our house and it drives him crazy. If there is a space anywhere that stuff is kept, I will strive to organize it - kitchen cabinets, the refrigerator (the Tupperware lady loves me), the bathroom and even the car. But recently, my attention was turned on my tote bag. You see, I have a three year old who only recently became potty trained, who also needs a lot to keep him entertained. He also has three older brothers who all play on multiple teams no matter the season. To say that he is carted around is an understatement. Football games, basketball practices, even tournaments - you name it, he goes. Don't get me wrong, he loves it. But trying to actually watch the older boys make a basket, while not losing the three year old (yes, we have lost him multiple times even though he knew exactly where he was) is a challenge to say the least.

Enter the bag...

When our three year old was born, a friend sent us a great LL Bean tote bag. It was blue and white striped and it had our son's initials on it. It was a very thoughtful gift. Unfortunately, there was not a single pocket in this bag (they had no kids at the time, so they really didn't know). This bag was put on the shelf while he was a baby and we used a diaper bag that made a lot more sense. But now that he is a preschooler, I have brought back the bag. And because there are still no pockets, I have been using large Ziploc bags to try to keep thing organized. Unfortunately, in my pursuit of perfection, this falls very short. I was always losing things in the bottom, the Ziploc bags would ultimately rip, and lets face it - it was not exactly aesthetically pleasing.

This is where my quest began for the perfect bag....

My first thought was that I needed compartments, which would take the place of my Ziploc bags and were more functional. I also needed pockets to keep my three year old's iPod (my old iPhone) and his iXL as well a my iPhone and my iPad (which is a great tool to keep him entertained). I wanted it to be a nice looking bag and durable. I pretty much wanted it all. I looked everywhere. I looked at all the diaper bags I could find figuring it was the best place to start. There are a lot of new ones out there today that don't look like diaper bags and have more pockets than most bags. No luck. Even though they had lots of pockets, they still all had one big compartment which is exactly what I wasn't looking for. I searched by every keyword I could think of and nothing. That is when it dawned on me that I would have to make one. Well not me, but someone was going to have to.

Enter Jen...

Jen owns the itty bitty bag company (http://www.ittybittybag.com/) where she designs, makes and sells gorgeous, handmade bags through her website. I went to high school with Jen and recently reconnected with her on Facebook. Once I figured out what I wanted, I asked Jen for help. I asked for a lot, after all I was in pursuit of perfection. She worked on it and thought about it and worked on it some more. She took it to NYC with her girls and then changed it. And finally, she emailed me to tell me it was ready. And of course I asked for one more thing, a pocket for my iPad. And she said of course. Then finally, an email danced into my inbox with a tracking number announcing that my perfect bag was on its way.

And it arrived today...

And even though I had nowhere to take the three year old today, I immediately packed it. Just in case...

So now I am ready for anything. The "Mom Bag" as Jen calls it, is red canvas with brown and white toile interior (my choices). The red 3-compartment insert is just that - an insert that can be taken out if I want to use the bag without it. The interior is lined with 6 pockets - 3 small ones and 3 larger ones. There is a hook for my keys so they won't get lost at the bottom. There is pocket on the front that fits my phone and a padded pocket on the back for my iPad. The bottom is made of leather for added durability and has feet to keep it off of dirty gym floors. Thanks to Jen for not only giving me everything I asked for, but for also making it a great experience along the way. The bag is gorgeous, well-made and well organized. And I can't wait for a good excuse to use it.

To order any of Jen's gorgeous creations, visit her site at www.ittybittybag.com. She makes custom orders but also has a lot of beautiful bags ready to ship, including Easter Basket bags (so cute and unique). You can also read her blog here http://ittybittybag.wordpress.com/

And if you live in New England, I am hosting a trunk show for her on April 9th in Marlboro, MA. If you would like to attend, please let me know.

Trust Me, You are Beautiful

2011-03-21T16:53:00.000-04:00

In my 35 years, I have had the privilege of knowing many amazing women as I have traveled throughout my life. Some I am lucky enough to say, are still in my life, whether a daily fixture or the kid of friend that weaves in and out, picking up exactly where we left off without a hiccup. Some I have lost along the way, but I still think of them fondly as having brought so much to my life and taught me so many important lessons. Unfortunately, time and again, these beautiful women forget just how beautiful they truly are.

I am not sure where the doubt creeps in in our lives as girls that tells us we are not good enough. That nasty voice in our heads that makes us doubt our worth and our beauty. It manifests itself in different ways; some of us eat too much, some of us don't eat enough. Some of us settle for Mr. Wrong, some of us are afraid of getting hurt and never give Mr.Right a chance when he comes along. Some of us lay in bed at night going over everything we did wrong that day and worry about what will happen tomorrow. But how many of us look in the mirror and congratulate ourselves on how amazing we really are?

To all my friends (and family) out there and to women and girls all over the world, please listen to me and really hear what I am saying - you are beautiful and you are amazing. All of those little things that make you who you are, the ones that you probably obsess about and hate, are the very things that make you unique and special. Everyone is your life should appreciate what makes you who you are, and if they don't then they aren't worth your time. Your time is valuable, spend it wisely. Surround yourself with people who love you and want you to be happy. Be happy, life is too short and your happiness will spread to your children, your husband and your friends and family. Plus, it feels better to be happy. Most of the crap we obsess about is just that, crap and all it does is wear you down.

Somehow we all think that if only I could do this...then I would be happy. Fill in the blank - be skinnier, be prettier, have more money, keep my house looking nicer, eat less, workout more, look like her, have a marriage like hers (you now her, the perfect one we all covet being even though we don't actually know what is behind her closed doors)...And then what? Would it still be good enough? Probably not...for whatever reason, most of us are programmed to want something other than we have and are convinced that that is our key to happiness.

Trust me, you have everything you need to be happy. I have loved (and still do) so many amazing women who do not love themselves and it makes me sad every time to see their pain and doubt. You are amazing and special and worthy of love. You are a brilliant friend, sister, daughter, wife, mother. What you do everyday makes a world of difference to so many people even if you don't see it. Women have amazing strength and beauty that make the world go round, seriously.

If you do only one thing today, take a minute to reward yourself for everything you did today that made someone else's world better (I guarantee your 4 year old things you are a princess and couldn't live without the hug you gave them today - if only you could see yourself through your child's eyes). Take a bubble bath, with a glass of wine and a candle. Curl up in a cozy chair and read your new favorite book without any guilt that you need to change the laundry. Sign up for a new yoga or dance class and relish in the fact that it is completely selfish me time you need more of. And when you wake up tomorrow, read this again cause it will be true tomorrow too.

In Search of The Perfect Christmas Card

2010-11-06T12:49:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I admit, we just finished celebrating Halloween and we are still weeks away from Thanksgiving. But if you are a mom like me, you have already started thinking about your Christmas or Holiday cards. I have already spent hours pouring over the new Shutterfly holiday cards, http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards, as well as going through my pictures of the last year hoping of finding a great one to use. There are a lot of great sites out there, but I love Shutterfly because all of my pictures are already stored there so I don't have to go hunting down the photos I might want and the quality is fantastic!

Thinking back to years past, trying to get all four of our boys together, including the 2 year old for a photo session strikes fear in my heart. First I have to find outfits that all work together without them looking like that annoying "Cloud" commercial with all the kids wearing those terrible matching plaid shirts. Then I have to find a place and come up with a pose. And after all of that planning, I still have to coax them into sitting together (and yes, your brother has to sit close enough to be touching you), smile at the same time and not add any "bunny fingers" to their brother's head. Which makes everyone laugh but me.

I have a couple friends who are pretty good photographers and I am contemplating going that route. But if all else fails, I will need to crop and edit until I can find a couple pics good enough for a collage card. So here are some of my favorites so far, let me know what you think. Also, I would love if you could share any funny stories or photos you might have in your quest for the perfect family. And one more thing, when you can't figure out what to give the relatives this year, any photo gift of the kids will be cherished....Happy Holidays!

Here are some of my favorites from the 2010 catalog:

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/our-ornaments-story-christmas-card-5x7-flat?sortType=1&storeNode=93479

http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/all-yours-truly-holiday-designs/festive-script-christmas-card-5x7-flat?sortType=1&storeNode=93479

Great Holiday Gifts:

http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/wall-calendars

http://www.shutterfly.com/photo-books

There are offering free shipping right now as well as a great sale on a lot of gifts!

Bloggers! You can receive 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly http://bit.ly/sfly2010

Natural Beauty, Simple and Cheap - Washing your Face with Oil?

2010-09-27T16:27:00.001-04:00

A couple weeks ago, while reading one of my favorite blogs (www.scarymommy.com), I read about something called the Oil-Cleansing Method which is a whole new way to wash your face. Basically, instead of using cleaners for your face which contain detergents and strip your skin of your natural oils, you actually use oil to wash your face. I know it sounds silly, but the theory is that most cleansers strip your face and cause your skin to create excess oil. Therefore, by washing with natural oils, it actually counteracts your own oil and helps clear and moisturize your skin.Oil dissolves oil.

I did a lot of research on this topic before I dove in (see some links at the end of the blog) to make sure I did it just right. I figured, if it didn't work, what did I have to lose. The thing about making your own oil cleanser, is that you can play around until you get it just right. The combination of oils you use depends on the type of skin you have.

The first oil is Castor Oil and it is the most important one. You can find it in most drug stores as it is used as a laxative. I found mine in CVS, you may have to ask if you don't see it. Castor Oil has potent anti-inflammatory properties, and is also known to have healing and cleansing priorities. In other words, it will draw out the impurities in your skin. However, Castor Oil is potent and can be very drying. This is where the second oil comes in.

The majority of the articles I read said to use Extra-Virgin Olive Oil as the second choice. I read in a couple places that Sunflower Seed Oil works as well and feels a bit more luxurious. But I since I couldn't find that easily and I already had the Olive Oil so I went with that.

Here is what I do:

Pull my hair back and wash and dry my hands.
I pure some oil into my palm, about the size of a quarter and rub my hands up to warm the oil up.
I massage the oil on my face and neck.
Take a hot, wet facecloth and lay it over my face to open my pores. You can do this multiple times if you like.
Then I rinse the facecloth and use it to take the oil off.

It's really easy and it feels like a mini massage every night. If you need to exfoliate, just add some sugar to the oil, simple as that. They say it takes a few days for your skin to adjust and adapt to being clean and clear of blockages. I didn't have any problems though and honestly love the way it makes my skin feel. I have also read that you won't need to moisturize your skin after cleansing with oil but I still do.

Here are some suggestions in creating your blend of deep cleansing oil that I found:

For Oily Skin: Try a blend of 30% Castor Oil and 70% Extra-Virgin Olive Oil
Balanced Skin: Try a blend of 20% Castor Oil and 80% Extra-Virgin Olive Oil
Dry Skin: Try a blend of 10% Castor Oil and 90% Extra-Virgin Olive Oil

Good luck and have fun!

Here are some sites that might help...

http://www.theoilcleansingmethod.com/
http://simplemom.net/oil-cleansing-method/
http://www.suite101.com/content/the-oil-cleansing-method-a16284
http://www.acne.org/messageboard/OIL-CLEANSING-METHOD-Hi-t141871.html

Coming soon....why I will never use shampoo again!

Are You Ready for Some Football!

2010-09-25T20:02:00.001-04:00

Okay, so first I need to admit that I did not grow up loving football or any other sport for that matter. I did play sports such as soccer, cross country and field hockey. But I don't ever remember watching professional sports on TV with any type of enthusiasm. I do live in New England and now I have four boys, so sooner or later it was inevitable that I would become a huge sports fan.

Now I must admit that I do love watching our Patriots, but what I love even more is watching the American Youth Football league every Sunday. It all started 5 years ago when my stepson (then only 5 years old) begged my husband to bring him down to our local park at the beginning of August to sign up for football. He came home that night wearing the coolest football jersey ever, and the other two boys decided they needed to play too. Then, of course, my husband became an assistant coach. And our football family was born.

It's not just about the boys playing football, although of course that is the most important thing. But there is a whole other "family" that develops surrounding youth football. From the first week in August until the end of October (and longer if we are lucky), you see all the same families for 4 to 5 days a week. It is a huge commitment but it's so worth it. Five years and one baby later, and my two year old would never let me miss a night of football since that is where he gets to see all his friends.

So I sit here on a Saturday night with butterflies in my stomach. Our boys will be playing a team tomorrow that is not only undefeated this season (as we are), but they have actually never lost a game in the last 2 years, and before that they didn't even keep score. There has already been some playful banter between the two coaches, on a popular Boston radio station none-the-less, to add to the drama. Our team is good, no doubt about it, and there is the whole, any team can beat any team on any given Sunday, but I am definitely nervous.

There is no doubt about it that our boys will play their hearts out, and hopefully will have a lot of fun in the process. But only one team will leave undefeated tomorrow and I know who I am routing for!

Go Wildcats!

Moms and Back-to-School

2010-09-18T17:18:00.000-04:00

Thanks to my friends for passing this along today. I did not write it, but I most certainly can identify and I figured it was worth a couple laughs...I am not sure who the original author is, but she is genius. Enjoy!

Misconceptions of Moms and Back-to-School

Misconception Number 1: Moms miss their kids when they go back to school

Seriously. I’ve had enough of you by now. Every morning with the “what are we going to do today, Mom?” is finally over. I’ve had looked at your face twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It’s time to go learn something. No more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up late and watch a movie. It’s over….You’re going back to Hogwarts and I get to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it’s called “back to school”.

Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping.

Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes?…so I can rack up a 200 dollar bill at Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk drawers. Why does it have to be new pencils? What’s wrong with the chewed up, broken strawberry shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box for the last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need? What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic. If they added a couple of things for parents to that list I wouldn’t mind so much….why not pencils, erasers and vodka …..or some Nyquil.

Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night.

Why must we do this every year? I got it already. You’re the teacher…I’m the parent. My kid is either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain number or colored dot on his discipline chart, he can’t get a prize from the prize box. Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I’m pretty old school. If he doesn’t listen to you…you can throw something at him. I don’t care. But I got a lot of work to do at home and I’m paying a babysitter right now. Plus, I’m pretty sure you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some Indian tribe I’ve never heard of, so I need to get home and start my research. So, I got it. We’re all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah Blah Blah. Can I leave now?

Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork.

How many trees are you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night? You know our name, where we live and our emergency phone numbers. He doesn’t have a nickname….call him “stinkbutt” for all I care. We don’t have any “special circumstances” that you need to know about. He lives in a home with two parents who may or may not like each other at any given time and they will fight. If that qualifies as a reason he can’t get his homework done on time then he won’t be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to “educate” him on that life lesson.

Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky paper.

What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain? Or while the children are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that takes? Has any parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air bubbles in it? From now on I’m covering it the old way…brown paper bags. That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at that same time. Who says moms can’t multitask?

PS. Please tell my son if he can’t find his lunch to look in his science book.

Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework.

What? I am scared out of my mind. I’m pretty sure that I forgot everything I learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade. I have no idea what you are talking about most days. I don’t really know my 12 times tables, I read the cliff notes to all your summer reading and I don’t know how to conjugate anything but I do know that song “conjuction junction what’s your function” if that helps at all. And please don’t even say the words “new math” to me. What the heck was wrong the old one?

Misconception Number 7: Moms can’t wait to pack your lunch every day until we die.

I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bane of my existence, so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of “mom fun”, lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and scheduling my annual pap smear. Listen, as a child I hated what my mom packed me for lunch. But, like every kid before me, and every generation to come you will find a kid to trade with…I’m sure someone likes sardines.

Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities.

I don’t know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they should be the ones in charge of carting your ass around. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn’t at 8:30 at night followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and call it “after-hours activities” so mommy and daddy could actually go out one night and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don’t worry about us though I’m sure that me and “what’s his name” will be married a very long time.

Misconception Number 9: Moms don’t mind taking you to school if you miss the bus

Your bus comes at 7:10 am….which means that you should be standing by the door at 7:05 am. Not eating breakfast , chasing the dog around the house or in the bathroom, asking me to check your homework while I’m taking a shower. Get it together! I don’t like running down the street in my jammies at 7:12 screaming “Please wait” or “If you stop I’ll show you my boobies.”

Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school

We do cry but they are tears of joy. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save lives and CEOs run million dollar businesses but…you teach a kid not to poop their pants and then you can say you’ve made the world a better place.

The New "Keeping up with the Joneses"

2010-09-08T08:59:00.000-04:00

Check out my new Guest Blog on Scary Mommy's blog...love her blog!

http://www.scarymommy.com/the-new-keeping-up-with-the-joneses/

Thanks for reading!

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

2010-09-03T16:59:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I am not sure the word vacation is the best way to describe my summer. As any parent that spends the summer home with the kids knows, it's probably the hardest I have worked in my life. I can remember summers past, sitting at my desk sad because my friends were "lucky" enough to take their kids to the beach and I was stuck at work. Fast forward to the summer of 2010, when the lucky one was me and just let me say, it was no picnic. So as the kids start their new school year, I thought I would put together my list of things I did on my summer vacation. Enjoy.

1. Turned things off - I think in one day alone I must have turned the TV off about 10 times. I am not sure how you can forget to turn it off that many times in one day, but rest assured my kids accomplished that with flying colors. Then of course there were the video games and the lights (yes, during the day) and of course the annoying humming noise that our keyboard made every time my two year old left that on. Now I am sure you are asking, "Why didn't you make the kids turn everything off?" Well, of course I tried, even threatened some type of punishment. But at the end of the day, any type of punishment that might work, such as no more video games, would have resulted in an even longer summer for me. Therefore, I sucked it up, rolled my eyes to myself and turned stuff off. In a long, hot summer one must choose their battles wisely.

2. Laundry - Okay, so during the school year there is a lot of laundry, never-ending in fact. But for some reason, during the summer there was ten times as much. Which makes even less sense when I realized that my boys would have worn the same pair of shorts and t-shirt all summer (including to sleep in) had I let them. I am pretty sure they got away it before I noticed a few times. On top of all the laundry, my oldest son would never actually put his nicely folded, clean clothes into his drawers and they would end up everywhere, to the point where I couldn't tell the clean from the dirty. I am pretty sure, however, that some of the loads came from the fact that with the summer being so hot this year, if I left the wash in the washer too long it would start to smell and I had to wash it all over again. My husband hates this, but alas, there is way more going on in my life than laundry and the re-wash is simply a causality of war.

3. Refereed fights - Now I am not sure how this works with girls because I only have boys, four to be exact, but long, hot summer days typically offers many opportunities for fights among brothers. They usually start out as one being annoyed by the other and it escalates from there. One day there was an all out brawl on the floor and when I finally broke it up I found out it started over one of them not liking the TV show. The fact that we have three other TVs in the house made no difference. Sometimes one of the boys is simply sitting too close to the other or is sitting in their seat. The problem for me is that my boys are starting to get bigger than me and I am so not getting in the middle of their fist fights, but I still have to get them to stop. I also played the he said, he said game about a million times this summer to point that I just don't actually listen to them anymore. As long as no one is bleeding and nothing is broken, I simply walk away. Again, I must choose my battles.

4. Went to the grocery store - I think that there were weeks in which I made a trip to the grocery store every day. I can remember one time, going two or three times in the same day. I would buy the food and with-in hours it would be gone. If I could bottle the metabolism of ten year old boys and sell it, I would be a millionaire. Of course this leads to my next activity...

5. Picking up stuff - When my boys eat, for whatever reason, they think nothing of throwing the wrappers and empty containers on the floor or on the couch or wherever they might be lounging. And yes, I did make them clean it up. But inevitably, by the time I came across some of the mess they were long gone for the day. And so I would pick it up. There were days when I felt like I literally followed them around picking up after them. One day, in one of my crazier moods, I decided to clean behind the couch in our playroom. I honestly found over 50 food wrappers. And my first thought was, "Seriously? When they are done eating they throw their trash behind the couch?" I should have taken a picture because I swear no one would believe what I found back there. Who raised these kids?

6. Drove far and wide

7. Made up new rules like, no weapons allowed - Okay, so I never thought, in my wildest dreams, that I would have to set rules about weapons. The story begins on my long journey mentioned above. I picked up my two stepsons about half way on the way to my in-laws. Now I know my oldest stepson has a pocket knife (thanks to the ex who bought him one at nine even though we disagreed because we he had no reason to get a knife since he wasn't a boyscout or a wood whittler or anything, but that could be a whole other blog). However, when I heard them talking about their knives and confiscated them, I was surprised to find that each of the boys had like 3 or 4. They were proud to report that one was even illegal. I am sad to report that they were mistakenly left at Grandma's house when our trip was over.

8. Learned to hate the Disney channel - First let me say that I honestly think that Disney makes 2 of every show and just replays them a hundred times a day. In all fairness I think Nickelodeon does it too. It's not so annoying when its Mickey mouse but for some reason when I am forced by my three tweens to watch the same iCarly episode 10 times in one week, I want to literally claw my eyes out. And has anyone seen Zeke and Luther? Ugh, kill me now. I did my best not to let the kids watch TV all summer, but I have to admit that a couple day here and there, I needed the break. And I would realize, like 3 episodes in, that I was actually watching this crap. I think they are brainwashing my kids...

9. Said, "Because I Said So!" a million-gazillion times - Why? Because that is how many times I was asked, "Why?" Enough said...

10. Let go a little - Being home with the kids all summer made me remember what it was like to be a kid and be completely happy watching the same TV ten times in one day or playing at the park for hours. I am, by nature, very organized and inflexible. Unfortunately, my kids could care less about my shortcomings. So I had to let go a little and realize that if the dishes didn't get done right away, that was okay. Instead, it meant more to spend some time doing silly things with the kids and creating memories that would last forever. I learned that not only would life go on, but I might actually enjoy myself a little bit.

11. Had a great summer - Now that I look back, I realize it really wasn't all that bad. (I am probably able to say that only because they are now in school) The days I remember were great. We had some really fun days at the beach and some great memories with all of our amazing friends. I may never have the chance to spend the summer with my kids again as I will be heading back to work shortly, so I know I will hold the summer of 2010 close to my heart.

12. Learned to truly appreciate stay at home moms - Okay, so I knew it would be hard. But no one ever told me it would be close to impossible. And even if they had, I would never have truly understood. I worked from the time I got up til the time I went to bed and sometimes even in the middle of the night. Because at 3 am, my husband would say, "Honey, I have to get up and go to work." Well duh, so do I! And when I am at work I don't get a break. I have no lunch break. My boss does not care that I have to pee, he gives me no privacy. I have to chase my 2 year old around, find ways to entertain him that my ten year old won't complain about. The house needs to be cleaned, the laundry needs to be done. We need food which means grocery shopping and cooking. If I were to open a grocery store, there would be a bar at the end of every isle so I could quickly take a shot before heading onto the next isle. Because taking my two year old to the grocery store is like being a contestant on Wipeout - it's next to impossible and at the end all I have to show for it (except for food) are some bruises and a headache. What I realized is that after all my hard work, I am really the only one who truly appreciates it. Some nights I would look at my sleeping kids and my clean house and feel really proud, only to be really sad because I had no boss that would recognize all my amazing effort and tell me I had done well. Now I truly understand why they say it's a thankless job. Remember, all you moms (or dads), you truly are amazing and I want you to know you do an amazing job every day!

Here's to the start of another school year! (now grab your glass of wine and toast yourself!)

True Friendship, Like Love, Should be Unconditional

2010-08-16T15:07:00.000-04:00

In honor of Friendship week, I wrote this one a while back but I think it's worth a re-post...love to all my friends who have touched my life and made me who I am today. Thank you for your constant support and laughter that helps me get through the day, including my husband who is truly my best friend...(please share with all your friends as well)...

I think that women more than men, feel defined by their relationships - with their families, their significant others and especially their girlfriends. What would we be as women without our girlfriends? Since we were little we relied on our girlfriends when the rest of the world was against us. Whether our parents were being unreasonable, our siblings were being mean and of course the boy we loved had just broken our heart, our girlfriends were there to cry with us, listen to us talk about it for hours and tell us how amazing we were no matter what. They were the only ones who really "got" us, who laughed with us till we cried and who kept all of our secrets. At times, they were the most important people in our lives hands down. Then we got older, got married and had kids. And while there are now others to compete for that honor, we still need our girlfriends as much as ever. Life as a wife and mother can be challenging to say the least and sometimes just talking to our girlfriends can help talk us off the ledge and face another day.

By the time you reach my age, if you have chosen your friends wisely and always tried to be a good friend in return, you will probably have 4-5 truly good friends. Some you will have been friends with since you were 3, some you met in high school or college and if you are really lucky, some you met that share your daily life. When I look back on the friends I have that I consider my closest friends, some things ring true for each relationship.

First, it hasn't always been easy. As in any good relationship, there are ups and downs. And when it comes to girls, things can get pretty dicey. We have had our run-ins about guys, secrets and other friends. We have had times when we weren't that close and wondered if we would find our way back. We have had moments when we felt betrayed and times when we felt ashamed for having been the one to betray. But a true friendship makes it through the storm and comes out stronger on the other side.

Second, it is unconditional. No one is perfect and nobody knows that better than our friends. But that is why they love us so much. We can be crazy, emotional, even needy and our girlfriends will step up and love us anyway. In fact, that is why our friends love us - for all the quirky things that make us who we are. They love us when we do questionable things and they love us when we have no make-up on. And the best part is that they understand us in a way that our others never could.

Third, and perhaps most important - They make our life better by being part of it. A friend is a true friend if their friendship adds value to our life. Think about that for a second. There are people who have come and gone and who have just taken up space in our lives. People who have taken and never given back. People who make us question our value or try to make us feel bad about ourselves so they feel better. As we get older we realize that we just don't have time or energy for those people anymore which in turn leaves more room for our true friends. A true friend should know how to make you laugh through the tears. She should make you chicken soup when you are sick or tell you look great in those new jeans. She should be the one you know you can count on on your darkest day without question. After all, she is the one for whom you would walk to hell and back.

True friends are a blessing. I love my friends and am happy to give to them in any way I can because they make my life better. I hope that as you read this, you are lucky to have good friends like I have in your life.

(Okay, forgot that one made me cry a little...)

What Kind of Celebrating Our Anniversay Taught Me

2010-06-14T09:07:00.000-04:00

Our wedding anniversary is June 20th, which also happens to be father's day this year. In addition to that, my son's birthday is the 28th (which includes a family and friend party) and my husband heads off for his annual golf weekend on the 23rd. Throw in little league playoffs for three different teams and being seriously short on get-away funds and you can imagine that trying to steal some time to celebrate our big day is next to impossible.

My thought was that if we had 24 hours to ourselves without kids, it would kind of be a mini stay-cation anniversary celebration. The plan was to drop the kids off at my parents house Friday evening and not pick them up until Saturday evening. The first kink in our plans occurred when my son's baseball game was postponed due to rain and scheduled for Friday night at 5:30...Okay, so our date would have to start a little later than planned. And then, at the last minute it was moved again (great, I thought) to Saturday at noon (seriously?). Not to mention two All Star games at 3 and 3:45. Oh well, guess we will have to throw in a couple of little league games into the anniversary celebration.

I have to admit, half of the fun of the evening was getting ready. It reminded me of when I was single and getting ready to go out with the girls. I took one of those fabulous showers where I shaved, deep-conditioned and exfoliated. I took my time, no kids to rush out for. Then, I moisturized, blow-dried and even put on mascara - all the while listening to some great tunes on my iPod. I was amazed that my husband didn't interrupt my little pre-date ritual and by the time we were off, I was relaxed and in a great mood.

Our evening was great, we got to sleep in on Saturday and even though we were pulled in a million directions on our "day off," we managed to fit in about an hour at a local pub to watch the World Cup USA vs. England game (Saturday afternoon at a bar - haven't done that is over ten years).Our night ended with all four boys back at home and our usual chaos returned.

While it wasn't the the whirlwind celebration it could have been, it was just what we needed. What I learned from our time alone was that we needed more of it. We talk about date night a lot, but it seems we don't make enough time for our marriage as we should. While its great to remember to celebrate the big dates like our anniversary, I realized that we need to celebrate our marriage and each other all the time. I also learned that there is no right way to do it. Honestly, one of my favorite moments of the entire weekend was sitting with my honey at the bar on a Saturday afternoon sharing some nachos and watching soccer. So maybe we will have to get a sitter a little earlier in the day next time. Happy Anniversary honey!

I love my kids but I don't really like them part 2

2010-06-07T16:30:00.021-04:00

Okay, so I kind of knew that staying at home would be an adjustment for me. The whole no work thing is pretty great, I must admit. That adjustment took me about 2 days. No boss to tell me what to do, no feeling guilty because I wasn't around for my family and kids. I can take time to clean my house, garden, go on field trips and I don't even have to fake an illness to do all these things. In fact, I like it so much I am nervous that when I finally do have to go back to work I may go into a deep depression (guess I will have to win the lottery between now and then).

The whole being home with the kids thing is much harder to get used to. When you are a working mother, you are jealous of all the stay at home moms (at least I was). I would head out on my lunch break and see moms who didn't have to return to the office in a hour, who were free to run their errands when they wanted to. I would see moms with their toddlers taking them to lunch, and it made me miss my kids. So when I was recently laid off, with summer just around the corner, I figured this was a great time to take some time off. I would take time to look for the perfect job this time and enjoy my kids in the mean time. Hah! Was I wrong!

I will admit that I have had moments in the last month or so that I know are precious. I love taking my toddler to story time or the park and just being able to play with him. I don't have to rush him through our adventure to get somewhere else. It has made me slow down and enjoy the world the way he does. I love that I can have my ten year old come home after school and if he begs me enough, I might play street hockey or hoops with him in the driveway. Its nice to be able to go on his field trip with him even though he threw it at me last minute, no vacation days to worry about. But along with the wonders comes the pain in the ass.

I know there are a lot of stay at home moms that do so because they don't want strangers to raise their kids. I feel exactly the opposite. Strangers are doing a great job raising my kids. They are singing songs with them, teaching them their alphabet and even letting them paint. I think they are even feeding them much healthier food than I do. I, by contrast, am happy when a show comes on TV that holds their attention for any length of time. It's not that I don't love my kids or want to spend time with them, but I am just not a fun mom when it comes to the day to day. I can plan a great outing, but at home I am a dud. And strangers definitely do a better job at disciplining my kids and dealing with the melt downs. They have a bit of an objective take on the situation and I know they don't break down and yell back (even though I know I should just walk away).

Someone I know has often said that kids are assholes. If they were adults and acted the way the do, we would never want to be friends with them. And this is definitely true. But lucky for them, all their friends act exactly the way the do, not so lucky for us.

So here I sit, two weeks from summer vacation, worried out of my mind how the hell I am going to make it through ten weeks when I can't even survive one harmless afternoon without wanting to kill my kids (not really, but you get the idea). I know it's still better than going into an office every day, but I definitely wouldn't say it isn't work.

To all you parents out there, just trying to get through the day. I feel your pain...

I love my kids, but I don't really like them right now

2010-06-06T16:12:00.000-04:00

What I want to know is when did it become okay for our kids to behave the way they do. Seriously, if I said 10% of what my kids say to me, I would have been dead. I sit here writing this filled with anger. Who am I angry at? I'm not even sure. I am angry with my 2 year old who put me thru the ringer for the last hour trying to get him to go to sleep. It finally took me putting all of his toys in a basket and threatening to give them to the garbage man before he would lay down and take his nap. I am angry at my 10 year old who, when I told him to go to his room earlier today, laughed at me. Yup, you read it right, he laughed and of course did not go to his room. (And unfortunately for me, he is too heavy and strong for me to make him do it anymore) I am angry for whoever decided that I shouldn't spank my child because somehow that would damage him. Are you kidding? I was spanked, and I am pretty sure as you sit here reading this you were as well. When I grew up, kids were afraid of their parents. The only fear my kids have is that I might not let them play video games and even then they say to me, "I don't care." A little fear is good, healthy even. Fear provides incentive to behave. It tells you who is in charge and who makes the rules. It tells you that you have to follow the rules, or else.

And yes, I am angry at myself. I must admit that I am not always as strong handed as I should be. When it's your first child, you don't always understand the consequences of being easy. Kids learn early that if you say something and don't follow through, then its probably not that important to follow the rules. And as a first time parent, and a single mother at the time, it was definitely easier to give in and so I did. It has taken me years to undo the damage I did and just as I was gaining ground, the tween years set in.

But I am pretty sure its much more than that. Kids are different that they were 30 years ago. Some of it might be our fault, but maybe its just the world we live in. When we were growing up, there was one TV in our house and we were lucky if we had cable. And we definitely didn't have one in the car. We only got to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings and there was no such thing as On Demand. It's like our kids are used to living in an On Demand world and they just think they are entitled to it.

For all you kids out there, please read. Your parents are not your slaves. Our job on earth is not to serve you. We do not work so you can have a new video game and we did not buy a new TV so you can watch your shows. We are your parents. We brought you into this world, and as my mother used to say - we can take you out. We will no longer put up with back talk, your eye rolling or your all around bad behavior. When we tell you to do something, you will say, "yes Mom (or Dad)" and you will actually do it. You will eat what we make for you and you won't make any comments under your breath about how yucky it is. You are lucky you even have food, there are kids in China starving. You will pick up after yourselves and do your chores, singing all the way. We deserve respect, we have earned respect and you will give it to us or else.

Now, if only I had a stiff drink...

Every Child Should Have A Chance to Play

2010-05-18T13:36:00.000-04:00

If your family is anything like ours, each season comes with the promise of a new sport and excitement from our boys. They dream of touchdowns, 3 point shots and home runs. And even though we complain to each other about how much new cleats cost (cause let's face it, kids grow so fast that last season's not only don't fit but have been worn to hell) , there is never any question that each season they will step on the field with all the gear they need to play their best and look super cool to boot.

Most sports guarantee each child equal playing time or a minimum number of plays until they reach a certain age. But what I never thought about, until the other night, was that not all kids are guaranteed a right to play in the first place. Let me explain...

The other evening, my ten year old decided he had been sick long enough and wanted to go for a run. Now, as his mom, I knew better. So instead of heading out on a path where we he would be too tired to make it home, we decided to head to the park by our house where he can run the track until he is tired. Of course, his energy only lasted for about 10 minutes. But the two year old had already caught site of the playground, so we headed over.

While I was busy chasing a two year old who thinks he can leap mountains in a single bound, my husband struck up with conversation with a 12 year old boy. He was wearing a New England Patriots jersey and confided in my husband that his dream, all he ever wanted, was to play in the NFL. But, he also confided, that he had never played a day in life. Being the infamous Couch Pete, my husband told him all about the American Youth Football program that practiced in that very same park and how much he would love it. The boy looked at him and told him he couldn't play because he didn't have any money (heart strings pulling....). Not missing a beat, Coach Pete told him they offered scholarships to make sure everyone had a chance to play. The boy went on to say, "We have no money. What about the pads or the pants?" And while it is true that the organization does provide most of what the kids need to play, there are some additional expenses such as cleats or mouth guards, expenses that most of us "soccer moms" don't think too much about. But apparently, for a child like the one is the park, it is everything.

As we walked home that night, my husband and I started talking about all the kids who never even think about playing sports because they know that there just isn't any money to pay the registration fees or buy the equipment they need. Not to mention that sometimes their parents are so busy trying to make ends meet that there would be no way for the kids to get to practice or games. That is when we decided that we needed to do something about it. We started talking about setting up a Youth Sports Foundation and working with local companies to make sure that all kids, no matter the financial circumstances, have the same opportunities.

Aside from the physical activity that sports offers children, there are numerous other benefits that sports can offer children that can honestly change their lives. Kids involved in sports are less likely to take drugs or smoke because they realize the impact that these destructive activities can have upon their performance. Girls who play sports are also less likely to become pregnant. Sports help develop teamwork and leadership skills. Kids quickly learn that they have to work together as a team to win the game. Sports help kids develop discipline. They learn to set goals and then work to achieve those goals. They learn that by working hard they can accomplish the things that they want to in their lives.When kids play sports, they quickly learn that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. They learn to be a good sport in both situations. It also helps them learn to deal with disappointment and go on. Sports help develop teamwork and leadership skills. Kids quickly learn that they have to work together as a team to win the game. Motor skills, strategic thinking, and even math skills are learned by playing sports. Students develop strategic thinking as they figure out plays and the best way to get around a player or score a goal. I could go on and on...

I know personally, when my boys are involved in sports they are better behaved and in general much happier than between seasons. Sports give your children a place to belong and a positive path to follow. While we were driving the other day, we noticed some teenagers who most definitely hadn't taken the "positive" path. I turned to my husband and said that its too bad we hadn't been able to help them ten year ago. And I think I also said something corny like, "sports can save lives." But I honestly believe it's true.

Coach Pete and I are working on starting a Youth Sports Foundation to assist less fortunate children participate in sporting organizations. If you are interested in helping or volunteering, please let us know through the comments. We are also trying to organize a new/used sports equipment drive and will post dates and times you can donate when we have them. Thanks for reading....

Happily Ever After, Thoughts on Mother's Day

2010-05-09T21:42:00.000-04:00

As a child, I wanted two things. I wanted to live happily ever after and to be a mother. I am not sure who to blame more, Mother Nature or Hollywood. Either way, it seems my destiny was determined for me at a very young age. I dreamed about being a princess. I dressed up like a princess. In fact, I will never forget begging my mother for a bride's dress each year they put out the First Communion dresses. Why she never bought me one I have no idea (mom?). And when I wasn't planning my fairytale wedding, I was dressing my dolls and taking them for a walk. Somehow I always knew that I would be happiest in my 30s. After all, I would be happily married with two kids and a white picket fence.

Fast forward to Mother's Day 2010. I am in my 30s. I am happily married. I have four boys (of course I was sure I would have a little princess of my own by now ) and a beautiful house (no picket fence but you can't have it all). So I guess I have the basics covered. What Hollywood never told me was what happened after Happily Ever After. No one ever warned me that Prince Charming wasn't always charming, or that the sweet princess wouldn't always be so ladylike for that matter. There were no fights in my fairy tales, no arguing over money or holidays or children. And being a mom in my make believe world never included dirty diapers, the terrible twos or endless sleepless nights.

I think my problem is that I am eternal optimist and a hopeless romantic. I always have these glorious ideas of how things should be. When I plan a family outing, I imagine a beautiful day where all the kids have fun and everyone gets along. I will take lots of great pictures that I will of course post on Facebook like everyone else. And then everyone will see how happy my family is. Why do I think this you ask? I have no idea! It's not like it usually happens that way, quite the opposite. But I just can't help but hope. Some how I am transported back to my land of make believe.

Unfortunately for me, I do the same thing with Mother's Day. I envision a day where I am the princess. I get to sleep late and do whatever I want all day. I will be waited on and I won't have to do any housework. And at the same time, my house will be clean, the laundry will be done and I can sit in peace and catch up on Twilight. Now talk about a fairy tale! For some reason, my two year old thinks we should be stuck together with velcro and my 9 year old has a terrible stomach flu and calls me upstairs every five minutes. On top of that, my husband has to work in the evening so even our dinner plans have to be canceled.

I am disillusioned by about 1 pm and acting very much like a little girl who didn't get what she wanted for her birthday. And the worst part is that my husband thinks I am nuts. And maybe I am, just a little. But I guess in my own little world, I want one day where I am appreciated and worshiped (two if you count my birthday cause lets face it, if I had never been born they wouldn't be here either).

And so I end another Mother's Day. And I am truly happy to be a mother, blessed really. My children mean the world to me. They make me laugh and keep my life interesting. And I also blessed to have my husband, who is great husband and father (even if he doesn't recognize my royalty). In my own mind I am a princess, a queen really. And maybe next year I will have my Happily Ever After.

Wise Words to Live By, Some Inspirational Thoughts for a Friday Afternoon

2010-04-30T16:18:00.000-04:00

Some wise words from Maya Angelou:

'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back...'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back...'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn..'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

If we could remember even some of these words of wisdom, how much better life and the world would be. I hope I am this wise some day...

Happy Friday!

What Would Your Mother Say?

2010-04-28T15:38:00.005-04:00

As a parent, I believe that I have the responsibility to raise my children in a way that will help them become gracious, productive adults. If they can act civil in public in the mean time, that would be a bonus. One thing that I try to teach them, a lesson I learned early in life, is that you will get further by being nice. A smile and a please or thank-you work wonders in a world that has forgotten what manners are. With that in mind, I am constantly left scratching my head as I interact with the general public who, for the most part, have all but forgotten their manners.

Now as a parent, I am also keenly aware that how my children act reflects directly on me. I would like to let everyone know right now that I actually do teach them manners. I teach them to be polite, to hold the door for others, keep their voices down in public and try to treat others with kindness. Of course, they are 10 and 12 year old boys who see the world as a game where they have to win at all costs - so my lessons usually fall on deaf ears. (Picture me trying to advice my sons to watch where they are going as they run thru the store to be the first one in line.) So I guess my hope is that by the time they reach adulthood, all of my advice will have finally sunken in. They are still kids after all; I expect more from adults.

Most of our mothers tried to raise us right and in turn we do the same for our children. But at some point our children turn into adults and then it's up to them to make the right decisions and treat others properly.

By trade I am in sales. I make a lot of calls and hear a lot of nos. I don't usually take it personally and most times I simply move on because the next person I talk to could say yes. By nature (and probably nurture), I am a polite person so I still smile and say thank you anyway. I cannot say however, that everyone on the other end of the phone does the same. Now I get that I am interrupting your day, and I also get that you did not ask me to call you. But that does not mean that you need to be rude to me. I had a lady yesterday yell at me for calling her so much. Now you should know that I had never talked to her before and had only left voicemails. I sent her one email as well. She never called me back or even took 2 seconds to reply to my email to tell me she wasn't interested. Didn't I know how busy she was? So I politely apologized and hung up. Apparently, she was having a really bad day because she actually took the time to call me back (had she actually written down my phone number?) and yell at me some more. Again, I said I was sorry (cause I wasn't sure what else I could do at this point) and hung up again. Wow! My first thought was, "What would your mother say?"

Every day I come across people who couldn't care less about others. They act as if they are the most important person in the world and everyone should bow down to them. They flip you off when driving, cause you got in the way. They cut in front of you in line at Starbucks. And god forbid you should be waiting for their parking spot. When did this all begin? What happened to common courtesy? Imagine a world where the sun is always shining, everyone is always smiling and saying to each other, "no, you go ahead." Would that be so bad?

Okay, so I know that there are days when its raining and cold, where someone cut you off, your clothes are wet and you are late for work. That is reality. But there is a saying that we can't control what happens all the time, but we can control how we react to it. I choose to be polite, even when I feel like screaming because it is the right thing to do. It makes me feel better and hopefully makes whoever I interact with feel better as well. I am not perfect, and I know there are times I could be nicer (especially to my own family), but I do try as often as I can. If more people tried, even once a day, imagine what a world it would be.

My thoughts on moving forward...

2010-04-07T11:28:00.002-04:00

Every day I hear more about Tiger Woods and Sandra Bullock. People talk about what they are doing, what they should be doing and what news broke this morning. I would first caution everyone that maybe 10% of what you hear is actually true, and even that might be a stretch. But moving on from there, I have a couple thoughts regarding life, relationships and moving on that I would like to share. (Take it for what its worth as my opinion, but if it helps you or makes you consider things in your life, than I am glad to have helped)

(Standing on my soapbox)

First, we are all human and we all make mistakes. Of course, some people make really big mistakes and sometimes they make them more than once. Aside from going back in time, we must all move on one way or another once we recognize the mistake. If we are the one who made the mistake, and, in turn, hurt someone we love, then we must accept responsibility and try to make amends. Usually amends means going through the painful process of admitting our faults and changing. I caution you that change is not easy, and for some admitting we are wrong is even harder. Therefore, please be absolutely certain that this is the path you want to take because there is no turning back. If you do not follow through, you will most certainly lose whatever it is you are trying to hold on. And in the process, hurt them even more. But if you are honest with yourself and really put in the work to get it done, then good for you - I hope it works out. If the reason you did what you did was because you are someplace in your life (or with someone) that you don't want to be, then that is what you need to change. Again, you need to brutally honest with yourself and anyone else involved. Sometimes honestly hurts, but no doubt dishonestly put you where you are now so that obviously doesn't work. On a side note, if your actions are hurting someone you love then you need to change them - even if you think they aren't a big deal. What matters is that they are a big deal to this person. If this person is important to you, than how they feel needs to be just as important. If it isn't, then you have a much bigger problem....

If you are the person who wound up on the wrong end of the mistake, than you have 2 choices as I see it. You can decide to move on. No one will blame you. You have probably been lied to and may have a hard time trusting this person. This will be a hard decision, but sometimes it is the only route to go. Your second choice is to stick it out and make it work. Sometimes this is the harder decision. I once read an article about marriage that said if you had been cheated on, you can either choose to leave or you can choose to say and work on it. But if you decide to stay you will need to work to move past it and stop bringing it up all the time because the marriage cannot work on those terms. If you have decided to stay, and the other person has held up their promises, then you need to hold up yours. If you continue to try to hurt that person because they hurt you, then neither of you will ever be happy. Remember how it felt when you found out about their mistake? Do you honestly want this person to feel that way? If you answer is no, you have a chance and you must remind yourself of that every day. If your answer is yes then I suggest you refer to option 1 cause it ain't going to work that way.

People will have a lot of advice on what they think you should do, but only you know how you can move on, alone or together. Both require commitment. Commitment is a hard thing, its like a promise you make over and over again. Good luck on your journey and remember that we do not go through life alone and our actions almost always affect others...

Sidebar: If you are the "other" person, please stop looking for sympathy. You knew what you were getting when you signed up and no one feels bad for you. And please don't hire a lawyer, what the f**k is that all about. It is clearly time to move on.

Is "Me Time" Really Worth It?

2010-04-02T11:23:00.005-04:00

So last night, I finally made it out of the house and to my first Zumba class. I loved it! It was so much fun and when I left, I couldn't wait to go again. Unfortunately, time does not stand still while I am not home. Me time is a strange thing. Everyone talks about how, as busy mothers who do for everyone else first, we need to take care of ourselves. But at what cost?

First let me say that I had planned to go to Zumba last week, but unfortunately that did not happen. So this week I was very excited to finally go. Our three older boys were all home sick and I had worked from home all afternoon – or tried to. But if you remember how annoying 12 year old boys were when you were 12 (sorry guys), then you will know what I was dealing with. There comes a point in a sick day when you still don’t feel well but you are TV and video gamed out. Unfortunately that time hit around 2:30 for all three boys at once. From there it went downhill. They were not being bad, but let’s just say that I did not find their antics as funny as they did. My darling husband had offered to pick up the baby from daycare and I had started making dinner. The plan was to eat by 5:45 and I would be out the door for Zumba by 6:30. You know what they say about the best laid plans…apparently one cannot plan for the surprise visit of the President of the United States to your town. Not only was he in Marlboro, but he had to land his helicopter at our local airport which was with-in walking distance from the daycare. It all started with a phone call from my husband at 5:30 (when he should have already been at the daycare) that he was stuck in such bad traffic he might not make it in time to get the two year old before the 6 pm pick up time deadline. F**k! Okay, dinner was all prepared and just about to be put in the oven. Some of the pre-cooking cooking had already been done so I couldn’t let it sit until I got home and it only needed to be in the oven for 15 minutes, I would be gone for longer than that. So I decided to put it in the oven, set a timer on my phone and have the twelve year old carefully take it out when I called. Next I proceeded to hurry out the door only to sit in my own traffic trying to make my way through the hopefuls trying to catch a glimpse of our Commander in Chief. An 8 minute trip took me 25 minutes and I got to the school with 2 minutes to spare. I grabbed the baby, called home to have dinner taken out of the oven and rushed home. Of course, my husband made it home before I did…

I ate dinner, rushed to change, grabbed a bottle of water and headed for some “me time.” I must admit, I loved it! It was so much fun and challenging; I couldn’t think about what might be going on at home, I just had to dance. It was an hour all about me, which is very rare. The class ran over a little but I still had time to make it home by 8:30 which is what I told my husband. I was looking forward to a nice shower and some down time and of course was assuming that the baby would be asleep. Hah! You know what they say about assuming…

As I hop in my car, I see a text from my husband asking me if I know where a binky is. “No,” I reply. He asks if there is one in the car. I find one at the bottom of the emergency diaper bag in the back seat after searching every stupid pocket. “Yup,” I reply, knowing that he will now be awake when I get home and my off-night is now on again. I slowly start to feel the tension coming back, but I am still optimistic. He will be tired; I will get him down quick. Six minutes from home and the phone rings, the baby is not only awake still, but he has thrown up all over crib (because my husband thought that if he just let him cry he would finally fall asleep, but alas he threw up instead)…hurry home! Seriously?! As you can imagine, by the time I cleaned up the puke, changed the crib, dressed the baby, got him to sleep, and took a shower we were now looking at 9:30 before I sat down. And did I mention that the dinner dishes never got cleaned up. In fact, it is almost 24 hours later and I am pretty sure they are still in the sink.

Needless to say, my evening has me re-thinking “me time.” I wonder if it is even worth it in the end. Had I chosen not to go to Zumba, I would have been sitting down by 8:30 at the latest, no puke and a clean kitchen. And regretting that I didn’t go…can’t win. Then I start to think that guys don’t have this problem. No one worries that husbands and fathers won’t get enough me time. Guys get plenty of alone time playing golf, hockey, softball, fantasy football…you name it, they do it. And rest assured that while they are gone, we are watching the kids, putting them to bed, cleaning the house and doing the laundry. When they finally come home they can just sit down and relax. Cause, let’s not forget, they are tired from playing. God I wish I had a wife…

I have always wanted to go away for a girl’s weekend too, but am frightful at the prospect of what I might come home to. So again I ask, is it even worth it? I love spending time doing things for me and time hanging out with my friends but at what point does the therapeutic benefits of that time get overshadowed by the stress of what happens in my absence. I have noticed that on the nights I have a couple glasses of wine I am less likely to care about the fallout, maybe that is the secret….all I know is that I need a little me time to recover from my me time last night…ugh

How to FLY, Day "I have no idea"

2010-01-29T16:06:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I have to admit that I have no idea what day I am on with my baby steps. I guess I could go back to my calendar and back track but that doesn't really make sense since I haven't actually been following the baby steps like I should be. In my own neurotic way, without even knowing, I have forged ahead and tried to jump headfirst into a bedtime and morning routine. Maybe the Flylady wasn't clear enough about the first 30 days or maybe I just chose to "read-over" that part.

Apparently, I am only suppose to follow the baby steps for the first 30 days. That's it and nothing more. I tell you this so you won't make the same mistake as I did. The point of doing things this way is to get comfortable adding one new habit a day while reinforcing the habits established in days past. Out of these first 30 days, your routines will develop and you won't feel overwhelmed adding too much at once. Of course I missed the whole point of this, found the page that outlines the Flylady's routines and tried to emulate them. And yes, I was more than overwhelmed. While I have never been diagnosed with it, I am completely confident that I have some form of ADD. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, stay in one place for a long time. And this translates to the Flylady website as well. I was so excited about what she had to say that I think I have read every page 3 times. There-in lies my demise.

So now I must decide if I go back to the beginning and do it the right way or forge ahead with where I am. The good news is that every two weeks I get a free day and a re-set of sorts. That is the day that my cleaning company comes. Every other Friday I am as giddy as my kids are on Christmas Eve thinking about coming home after work to my clean and picked up house. So today might be a good day to start back on Day 1 and slowly build my routine. If I only I can restrain myself...

I do want to add that while I haven't been FLYing long and I have apparently been doing it all wrong, I am very encouraged by the results so far. It is helpful to start to put a method behind my madness. And if nothing else, I feel like I have a huge support system of other women who struggle with the same things I do. I love the emails! They keep me going and offer small tips of what others have found to be successful. My husband thinks I am nuts, but he is slowly seeing the benefits of FLYing and even agrees it might be helpful to teach our kids a few ways to keep mom happy. Good luck on your journey!

How to FLY, Day 6 - Mayday! Mayday!

2010-01-18T14:10:00.007-05:00

Okay, so I should have called this blog post "How to Crash and Burn." Let me first start by telling you that these past 2 weeks have been the first time in two and a half years that I have worked all 5 work week days in the office. While I love my new job, my "work from home in my sweats while grocery shopping on my lunch break and folding laundry while making calls" is sorely missed. It's been more than a challenge for me to try to get everything done in my precious few hours before bed at night or before work in the morning. All of the laundry, dishes and messes have started to pile up along with the stress and make me one grumpy momma.

Now I must admit that I have not followed the baby steps as I should have. On Monday (day 6), after my revelation that my family should have kicked me out for my terrible rants over the past weekend, I looked at my missed baby step on day 5. I am not sure how the Flylady knew that I would lose my shit on day 5, but she did. She even had some advice on how to ease the tension I would feel on this day, but I chose to ignore her. Had I listened, my day might have gone much differently. Her day 5 baby step reads, "Are you hearing any of those nagging negative voices popping into your head? I want you to take a piece of paper and write down what you hear then I want you to turn those ugly words around and say something nice to yourself to negate the ugly words that they said." Instead of relying on myself to say nice things when I needed, I expected my family to - except I never told them that. I guess I just assumed they would know that I needed some support the way a mom and wife always knows. But alas, life is not that easy. Luckily, I am smart enough to recognize my mistakes and beg my husband for forgiveness. I also explained to him that I may need a little extra "room" in the next couple weeks and if he could bite his tongue and offer a hug instead of giving it back to me, it would be most helpful.

Day 6 was much better after that. Sometimes it just takes a conscious decision to be happier and let go of the small stuff. I even took my bedtime routine to the next level and enjoyed a nice relaxing bubble bath, something I haven't done in over a year. Day 6 was also the first time I have worked out a long time which helped those endorphins work their magic on my mood.

What will day 7 have in store? Who knows. But I am finally buying into to the whole baby steps thing - one day at a time, 15 minutes at a time - however you choose to look at it.

How to FLY, Day 2

2010-01-14T20:37:00.003-05:00

Okay, so yesterday was my first full day of FLYing. I think I did pretty well. My sink was shiny and I was dressed to the shoes. I was even overly ambitious and tried my own bedtime routine. I must admit that again, I did pretty well. I had a clean kitchen, I took about 10 minutes to pick up the house, my laundry had been changed and my dishwasher was set to run while I was snoozing. I took the time to wash my face, figure out what I was going to wear the next day and even cleaned the sinks in my bathroom with Clorox wipes. In fact, what I realized was that my family actually already had their bedtime routine which we named the 8:30 rule. Every night at 8:30 we pause whatever we are doing and get everything ready for the morning. My boys are responsible for making sure their backpacks are ready by the back door, their clothes are laid out, their breakfasts are waiting from them on the table and even their lunches and snacks are all packed. I went to sleep ready to face tomorrow.

And then tomorrow came.

All the problems started with the darn snooze button. Or maybe it was the fact that I hit it like 5 times. Either way, I woke up already behind. My problem is that I alwauy think I have more time than I do. And when the clock told me it was time to leave, my morning routine was a complete disaster. My laundry was where I left it before bed, my dishwasher was only half empty and my sink was definitely not shiny. And as I sit here now, things are pretty much right where I left them this morning. But I am okay with it, at least for the moment. I love to blog, it's like therapy for me. And I am spending time with my family which speaks for itself. One important lesson the Flylady teaches is that if we have a bad day, it's okay. Just start again tomorrow. So here's to day tomorrow and day three of FLYing.

2010 is my year to FLY

2010-01-12T20:40:00.014-05:00

Okay, so every year my resolutions are the same old thing - eat healthy, exercise, lose weight, blah blah blah. So I have decided that this year, I will learn to FLY. And by FLY I mean "Finally Love Yourself." And no, I don't mean offering daily affirmations in the mirror each morning about great I am and how much I love myself. I simply want to be at peace with what I have accomplished each day and what I have not.

Let me explain.

I came upon www.Flylady.net today where the first thing I read was "The more clutter you get rid of the more peace you are going to find in your clutter free home!" This is without a doubt my motto, like she was a fly on the wall in my life. In fact, I must say this to my family at least 5 times a day. Of course, they think I am insane and unfortunately do not share my passion for organization and cleanliness (which could be because I am the one who is responsible for knowing where everything is...in fact, my stepson said to me just this morning, "I know it is not yours and is not your responsibility to know but do you know where my sweatshirt is?" Sound like I have complained a time or two?...but I digress). Obviously I knew in one second this site was for me. The big difference this site offers is direction and it does so in what they call beginner babysteps. In fact, Marla Cilley (aka the Flylady) tells you that is took her 9 months to de-clutter and organize her house. That number at first scared the heck out of me since I am all about instant gratification. But I continued to read and what I found was something I have needed all along.

The perpetual problem I have is that I have loftier amitions than I have time, energy or even resources. I want it all and I want it now, which coincidently Flylady says we all suffer from. I get home at night from work and the mess I left (meaning I did not have a chance to pick up my family's mess before I headed to the office) is still there staring at me. Instead of being happy that I am home, I have two reactions - stressed that my house is a terrible sight and stressed at the prospect of taking what should be my down time to clean it. My family has homework and practice and a two year old to attend to so most of what needs to be done falls on my shoulders. Isn't my house suppose to be my sanctuary? Yeah right!

Enter the Flylady and her quest to help all of us escape CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome). The plan she asks us to follow starts simply enough with shining your sink. The idea goes that if this becomes your focus everyday, and your sink is always clean and shiny it will become contagious around your kitchen and hopefully around your house. I have to admit that when my kitchen is a mess and dirty dishes are piled high, my stress levels tend to be just as high. I am not sure if a shiny sink will fix all my problems, but I guess I am willing to give it a try. There is even a video that I recommend you take a look at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTUvl7I4PR0. I guarantee it will look familiar.

From there she asks us to take one little baby step each day for 31 days over which time you will have created some good habits.

Also, by signing up I will start to get helpful emails each day (up to 10 per day) that offer helpful hints, things to do each day and testimonials from others who have embarked upon this journey as well. Now you may be saying that is a bit excessive, but I was excited by this prospect. I love getting emails that are helpful and meaning to me and the initial messages have proved to be both.

Okay, so I have read how to get started and I think I am ready to go. My sink has been shined! I plan on writing a little blog each night on my new "babystep" and my success and failures I experienced that day. I invite you to come along on my journey for 2010 and maybe embark on your own journey as well.

Embracing the Christmas Chaos

2009-12-11T11:58:00.004-05:00

I have noticed that my life is typically all or nothing. Everything tends to either be organized and healthy or completely and utterly chaotic. Unfortunately, the chaos has taken over recently. With my full time schedule, my husband's new job, our 3 boys playing basketball (one on two teams) all with practices and games in different places at different times and a 2 year old thrown in there (oh, and a new cat - which of course was my crazy idea), there isn't much free time or order in our lives. My house is a mess (which couldn't be worse since I am a neat freak), my dishes are dirty in the sink (because my dishwasher is clean but no one is volunteering to empty it), my clean laundry remains in baskets (now a mess from everyone trying to find their clothes) and I am too tired at the end of the day to do anything about it. And all of this chaos spills over into how we eat. I can't tell you the last time I cooked a healthy, well-balanced meal. Family dinners are important in my house, but lately they have all but vanished. Typically we are scrambling to make sure the kids get something in them before basketball practice and unfortunately it ends up being fast food or pizza. In fact, I think I actually ate Oreos for dinner last night.

Of course, all of this is compounded by the fact that we are 14 days away from Christmas. My list of to-dos has more than doubled with remembering everyone I need to remember, shopping, wrapping, parties, who and how much to tip...I keep hearing that I should take some time to slow down and just enjoy the season. Seriously? On a slow day in March I might find 2 seconds to breath, but sorry, December is totally booked. I have been thinking recently, that I would like to do something festive with my kids to help celebrate my favorite time of the year. I am starting to think that that is also a losing battle. My nine year old was so excited to help me decorate the tree but lost interest in about 3 minutes. I tried to suggest caroling but the response was less than enthusiastic. So I guess I will have to settle for the Christmas music they play at the mall while I am fighting the crowds and the heat (cause when its 20 degrees outside, somehow they figure that 85 degrees is optimal shopping weather).

I know the moral is that life is just crazy and you should try to embrace the chaos. If you are anything like me that is asking a lot. I had about 20 minutes of bliss yesterday before my family got home. The house was clean and picked up, I had a candle lit filling the house with cozy, holiday scents and I was wearing my slippers drinking a warm cup of coffee. And then everyone came home. I do love having my family home, I guess I just wished they like neatness as much as me. Oh well, I can't wish the holidays away or for my children to grow up because I really do cherish every day with them. I guess I will take a deep breath and count my blessings and hug my kids, even if they say "aw mom!"

Here's to a chaotic, memory-filled holiday season! When you feel like you have had enough, remember how blessed you are and hug your kids even if the house is a mess.

Mission Organization

2009-09-24T13:32:00.003-04:00

If you know me at all, you will know that I am a complete lunatic when it comes to organization. I try to be organized in everything I do. Some of it came out of necessity as I have misplaced important things or missed important deadlines, some of it is hereditary (hate to admit it but I have grown up to be like my mother) and some it just because I like it. Okay, maybe like is a little bit soft, I am obsessed, consumed with it. My life is as full as it gets with 4 kids (all boys) who play different sports in different towns, a full time job, a toddler and a husband who has a lot of hobbies (I am either a golf widow or hockey widow depending on the season). If I wasn't organized I might spend most days in bed, under the covers feeling completely overwhelmed.

This is not to say that I am successfully organized all the time, which as you might imagine makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Now, if it was just me, living alone in my beautiful house, it would be perfectly decorated, cleaned and organized all the time. Better Home and Gardens could stop by anytime unannounced and get their cover shot. But alas, I have four boys and a husband who do not share my love of cleanliness. In fact, if I did not point out the mess, they might never see it (opting to walk over their school bag left in the middle of the kitchen floor instead of picking it up). And if I should actually get them to clean or pick up, I admit that it isn't the way I would do it and I end up fixing it anyway.

My ultimate goal it to have my house picked up and organized perpetually which I was successful at for a couple weeks, and then school started. Now it's true that the kids aren't around as much as they were in the summer, but when they are home they are always in a rush to get somewhere else. This is when the tornado hits. Things are thrown everywhere - dirty clothes on my kitchen island, shoes in the dining room, school bags right where I can trip on them. And then the questions begin, "where is my ---- (insert something they are sure they can't live without but apparently not important enough to keep tabs on it cause that is my job)?" While I think I'm funny by saying, "I don't know, it's not mine." They do not share my amusement and are less than enthusiastic about going to look for it. So instead of taking the five minutes to actually find it, they would rather incite a riot by yelling, screaming and insisting I get it. I am a stubborn woman and this typically doesn't work out in their favor and they end up 20 minutes late for wherever they need to be, which of course is also my fault.

And it's not just our living space, it's our entire lives. There are school functions, homework assignments, sporting events and practice for two different sports, 3 fundraisers per kids at the same time and "is their favorite pair of jeans clean"(the ones that look exactly like the 4 others in their drawer) to keep track of. Add my full time job and multiply that by three tweens, a 20 month old and a husband. Seriously?!

So, while my goal might be lofty, I just can't give up. I read somewhere that the reason clutter stresses me out is because it makes me feel out of control. The longer I look at the mess, the more anxious I get. So now I know why (in addition to the lost time and arguments over where everything is and why can't anyone else pick up after themselves), what I need to figure out how - how to make it better. I am tired of yelling, of talking to myself and of wanting to pretty much kill my entire family three times a day. I figure I must start with a clean slate, which might take me a while. My short term goal is to de-clutter my house with the motto "a place for everything and everything in its place." Then 15 minutes before bed and school every day, I will mandate a pick up time, my husband included. I am sure this will not be something my family takes on with open arms, but what the hell - it will make me happy. Maybe it will even leave me some time to make lunches the night before, yeah right!

Our Family Constitution

2009-09-11T13:10:00.016-04:00

I know that I owe everyone an update on how its going, but wanted to share the actual constitution with you. We have already identified a couple additions that will be added next time around, but so far so good!

Article I. The Basics.

SECTION 1.1. FAMILY MEMBERS.

The XYZ Family shall be composed of six members: Sean (kid), Liam (kid), Bailey (kid), Vincent (kid), Peter (Dad), and Rebekah (Mom/Step-mom).

Mom and Dad shall serve as Managers and executors of the XYZ Family Constitution. Each shall strive to be responsible, fair, just and consistent.

SECTION 1.2. DEFINITIONS.

Ding- Broken rule.
Drop- Failure to perform chores or responsibilities on time.
Screen Time- Usage of television, video games, computer and hand-held games.
Week- Monday to Sunday.

SECTION 1.3. FAMILY MEETINGS.

Meetings shall occur weekly on Tuesday evenings. The ideas, interests and concerns of each family member shall be heard and considered, providing that they are expressed in a calm and respectful manner.

Each meeting shall cover the following topics:

Family Business
• Issues and proposals;
• Topical chat (questions, current events, etc.)
• Upcoming vacations and activities

Weekly Planning
• Dinner planning (each person selects for one weeknight);
• Calendar (upcoming parties, events, practices, etc.)
• Coordination (grocery shopping; rides to school and activities)

Chores and Responsibilities
• Review checklists
• Acknowledgement and rewards
• Family Fun (games, movie, etc.)

Article II. The Rules.

SECTION 2.1. ATTITUDE & BEHAVIOR.

Purpose
To promote good decisions, manners and clear and calm communication.

Rules & Parameters

Whining, complaining, yelling, talking back and name-calling shall result in one verbal warning, followed by the escalating consequences, as described below.
Good manners are expected (please, thank you, excuse me, etc.). Lack of good manners shall result in one verbal warning, followed by the escalating consequences, as described below.
Respect for adults is also expected. Lack of respect shall result in one verbal warning, followed by the escalating consequences, as described below.
Hitting, kicking, or intentionally damaging property shall result in immediate Level 2 consequences.
Lying or “parent-shopping” shall result in immediate Level 3 consequences.

Consequences

Escalating consequences:

1. Five-minute time out;
2. One hour in room;
3. Twenty-four hours without Screen Time for each subsequent
infraction.

SECTION 2.2. CHORES, HOMEWORK & RESPONSIBILITY.

Purpose
To develop strong work ethic and encourage academic success.

Rules & Parameters

Each family member shall be responsible for their own belongings including picking up, putting away and their whereabouts (includes any items such as video games, clothing, shoes, school bags/work, etc.)
Each family member shall be accountable for completing his or her chores, homework and other responsibilities on time, as defined on the Chore Chart.
No television or video games shall be allowed until all daily chores and responsibilities have been completed.
Chore Chart shall be reviewed at each weekly family meeting to assess performance by each individual.

Rewards

One week without a Drop:

Full allowance to be paid Sunday evening (Sean- $11.00; Liam- $9.00, Bailey - $9.00).

Two consecutive weeks without a Drop

Full allowance; and
Sleepover with friend at our house or theirs.

Eight consecutive weeks without a Drop

Full allowance; and
Choice of family activity.

Consequences

One Drop during a week

Loss of ½ of allowance.

Two or more Drops during a week

Loss of entire allowance.

More than two Drops

Loss of television and video games for one day for each additional Drop.

SECTION 2.3. PROPERTY.

Purpose:

To harmoniously enjoy shared property and dutifully respect other people’s
possessions.

Rules & Parameters

Shared Property shall include all televisions, gaming systems, sports equipment, and any other property not specifically received or purchase individually. Each family member shall have equal opportunity to use Shared Property.
Personal Property shall include gifts received or purchases made by an individual, except as described above. Although encouraged to share, each family shall have the exclusive right to their own Personal Property.
Taking Turns: If a family member desires to use a television or video game that is currently in use by another, he must issue a “25 Minute Warning” by giving verbal notice and setting a timer for 25 minutes.
Current User shall give up control of television or video game immediately when timer sounds.

Consequences
• Each Property Ding shall result in a one-day Screen Time suspension.

SECTION 2.4. SCREEN TIME.

Purpose

To encourage active lifestyle and healthy hobbies by limiting video game time to
approximately one hour per and tv time to one hour per day during school week and three hours Screen Time per day on 1weekends.

Rules & Parameters

• Screen Time Restrictions
- No Screen Time shall be allowed during weekday mornings.
- During weekday evenings, Screen Time shall be allowed only after all homework and chores are complete. Video games will be limited to one hour per evening and then TV.

• Unless restricted or otherwise stated, Sean, Liam & Bailey shall be allowed Screen Time. However, at any time, Mom or Dad can provide verbal warning that Screen Time is ending and set a timer for 25 minutes.
- Screen Time shall cease immediately when the timer sounds.
- If Screen Time must end sooner for any reason (i.e. bad sportsmanship or schedule constraints), Sean, Liam & Bailey shall comply without complaint.
• If unusual circumstances cause Screen Time to be lesser or greater than target, Mom or Dad may adjust Screen Time allowed in subsequent days.

Consequences

• Each Screen Time Ding shall result in a one-day Screen Time suspension.

SECTION 2.5. BEDTIME.

Purpose

To develop healthy sleep habits.

Rules & Parameters

• Sean, Liam & Bailey shall be individually responsible for being ready for bed, including brushed teeth, by their assigned bed time (9:30 pm on school nights, earlier if behavior dictates)
• If circumstances require Sean, Liam or Bailey to stay up past their bed time, each shall be prepared for bed within 15 minutes of arriving home or warning from Mom or Dad.

Rewards

• If Sean, Liam & Bailey make it to bed on time each night between Sunday and Thursday, then he can stay up until 10:00pm on Friday and Saturday night.

Consequences

• Each Bedtime Ding shall result in a bedtime thirty minutes earlier the following night.

SECTION 2.6. MEALS & NUTRITION.

Purpose

To develop good eating habits, simplify meal preparation, and encourage selfsufficiency.

Rules & Parameters

Breakfast and Snacks

• Sean, Liam & Bailey shall be responsible for preparing their own breakfasts and snacks, unless Mom or Dad offers.
• Sean, Liam & Bailey are required to eat breakfast and a snack afterschool without argument
• No meals or snacks requiring preparation shall be allowed within twenty
minutes of scheduled exit time (such as bedtime or leaving for school).

Dinner & Dessert
• Each family member shall choose one dinner meal per week.
• In order to qualify, a meal must:
- Be reasonably healthy and easy to prepare.
- Include at least one vegetable.
- Receive approval by at least one other person.
• If someone chooses not to eat a prepared dinner, he or she can prepare an alternative meal for themselves (i.e bread & butter, left-overs, etc.).
• Dessert or evening snack shall be available only to kids who eat enough dinner, as determined by Mom or Dad.

SECTION 2.7. FRIENDS & VISITORS.

Purpose

To minimize arguments, encourage healthy friendships, and create a pleasant
environment for visitors.

Rules & Parameters

Privacy
• If someone visits Sean, Liam or Bailey, the other brother shall allow them to play alone, if requested to do so.
• If a visitor does not come specifically to see Sean, Liam or Bailey, then all shall be allowed to play.

Responsibility
• Each family member shall be responsible for ensuring that their visitors respect house rules.
• If a visitor breaks a rule, Sean, Liam or Bailey shall tell him or her to stop immediately. If the behavior continues, he shall tell Mom or Dad.

Visiting & Hanging Out
• No visitors shall be allowed in the house when Mom and Dad are both gone.
• Sean, Liam or Bailey shall not be allowed to “hang out” with friends that both Mom and Dad consider unacceptable because of age, attitude or behavior.

Consequences

• Each Friends and Visitors Ding shall result in a one-day Screen Time suspension and no playing with the visitor for seven days.

SECTION 2.8. PERSONAL HYGIENE

Purpose

To promote health and cleanliness.

Rules & Parameters

• Sean, Liam and Bailey shall each be responsible for getting himself dressed in clean clothes that are appropriate for the weather and activity every day.
• Sean, Liam and Bailey shall shower every morning before school or the night before and following any sporting events such as football, soccer or basketball practice.

Consequences

• First Personal Hygiene Ding shall result in a warning.
• Each Personal Hygiene Ding thereafter shall result in a one-day Screen Time suspension.

Article III. Process and Authority.

SECTION 3.1. AMENDMENTS.

Mom and Dad must both approve each amendment to the Family Constitution before it can take effect.

Routine Amendments can be proposed, considered and approved during any weekly Family Meeting.

Annual Amendments shall be completed prior to the beginning of each new school year. During the process, each family member shall help identify and resolve important upcoming issues (i.e. driver’s license) for the year.

SECTION 3.2. RATIFICATION.

The Ratification of the XYZ Family Constitution shall occur upon the understanding and signature of all Members of the XYZ Family.

On this ___ day of _______ , We the Members of the XYZ Family hereby
ratify the Family Constitution of 2009.

Our Family Experiment - Prelude to Chapter 2

2009-08-17T11:53:00.004-04:00

Okay, so it took about a week, but I think I have finished the Family Constitution. I took the example that was given and can be found at http://www.yourfamilyconstitution.com/wp-content/uploads/gale-fc.pdf and changed it a little for our family. If anyone has any ideas on things to add, please please share them with me. I already need to change ours a little after realizing that the TV was on in the playroom when no one is home and that the playroom looks like a bomb went off and again, no one is home (um, maybe things need to be picked up before they leave...) Our family meeting is tonight and I am so excited to see how this goes. I did a little test of my own today as they were all arguing about going to the pool with the our nanny (seriously? fine, you guys do my job and I'll go to the pool). I didn't give in to their childish ways by sinking down to their level. I simply told them that this is what is expected of them and this is what the consequences would be if they didn't behave. No yelling, just exerting my authority that I often forget I should have. And while they might not all have been pleased (which is an understatement by the way - picture eyes rolling, dirty looks and body language that could be read as though I just killed their dog), they did not argue with me and they all got in the car. I will share more after our meeting as well as our final Family Constitution...

Our Family Experiment - Chapter 1

2009-08-12T10:11:00.006-04:00

First let me say that I am a rule follower, a list builder and a big fan of structure. I am constantly reminded in my own life that if I have a goal without a plan, I rarely follow it. When I say I am going to start working out, if I don't make a calendar with what I am going to do each day I typically find excuses not to go. If I want to start eating healthier, but don't put any rules into place, a cheat or two finds me slipping back into my old bad eating habits. I think that the idea of structure and rules especially holds true for children and families.

I am as guilty as it gets about not sticking to my plans when it comes to our family. I have experimented with rule lists, chore lists, what is a right vs. a privilege and so on. It always works for a week or so and when things are going well that is when I start to slack. Inevitably when I do not consistently enforce the new system, we slip right back into our chaotic, selfish existence.

The other day, we were having a great day at the beach. The boys were swimming, playing in the waves and all having fun together. I was relaxing and thinking, wow - this is great! Of course, my first mistake was to let my guard down and think the bliss would continue all day. They are of course kids, who exhibit little control when it comes to their emotions. I won't go into details but let me just say I had one crying kid, laying face down in the sand and one angry kid for being punished not only for said incident but also for talking back. Eventually the situation worked itself out and our happy day in the waves continued. This one episode alone was not enough to make me take action, but it was, at they say, the straw that broke the camel's back.

It made me take notice of something I had known for a while - my family was out of control. And it was mostly the adults' fault, yes - me and my husband. I cannot blame the kids, they are kids. They are by definition, young and impressionable and in need of our guidance in life to grow up to become generous, kind and productive adults. They are old enough to know right from wrong, but won't be able for like 10 years to put those facts into action. As I drove to work the following day, I outlined in my head the 4 things I wanted to teach my children: Respect, Responsibility, Independence and Consequences.

In the middle of trying to get all my work done, I started researching how to instill those four fundamentals into my kids' lives. I came across this site, http://www.yourfamilyconstitution.com/wp-content/uploads/sneak-preview_your-family-constitution.pdf where author and father Scott Gale discussed his Black Sunday and the realization that something had to change for things to get better. First let me say that if you have a family, you need to read this excerpt. Unless you lead a model existence (and good for you if you do), you will be able to identify with his story. I read it myself and said, OMG - this is us! I made my husband read it too and we both agreed to try the tactics that Scott had suggested, a family constitution.

So begins our family experiment. I truly believe that there is a better way for our family to live. I am tired of yelling without anything changing and I know my kids are too. But not only that, I am afraid that I am not giving them the skills they need to grow up to be successful adults. I am currently working on our family constitution, will consult with my husband and then hold a family meeting when we can get everyone together (which probably won't be until Monday night after football practice). I am happy to share our experiences as we go through the process. Maybe this will inspire your family to try it, maybe it will make you feel like your family already has it going pretty good, or maybe it will just make you laugh. But either way, I hope you enjoy our journey.

Will Someone Please Pay Me For This?

2009-07-29T12:19:00.004-04:00

I am currently stealing a quick moment away from my busy life to write this blog. I wish that I had more time to blog, at lease once a day if not more but I just can't find the precious time I need. I wish that someone would pay me to write, not because I have any formal training or even because I think its worth money, but because I really enjoy it. And I think we all strive to get paid for doing something that we love. Unfortunately, we have bills that need to be paid and I am worth more money as a sales person than as a writer so please understand that my blogs may be few and far between but I hope that you enjoy them nonetheless.

Some people blog very well about their daily lives, which I think is great. Me, I am more of a topic blogger - ideas come to me and I try to add my perspective to the topic. I currently have 13 posts sitting in limbo in various stages of readiness. All were great ideas that I didn't want to lose so I recorded the thought as a draft.

Here's to hoping that I might get them done soon. Who knew you could blog about blogging...

Mission Organization

2009-07-23T13:19:00.012-04:00

If you know me at all, you will know that I am a complete lunatic when it comes to organization. I try to be organized in everything I do. Some of it came out of necessity as I have misplaced important things or missed important deadlines, some of it is hereditary (hate to admit it but I have grown up to be like my mother) and some it just because I like it. Okay, maybe like is a little bit soft, I am obsessed, consumed with it. My life is as full as it gets with 4 kids (all boys) who play different sports in different towns, a full time job, a toddler and a husband who has a lot of hobbies (I am either a golf widow or hockey widow depending on the season). If I wasn't organized I might spend most days in bed, under the covers feeling completely overwhelmed.

This is not to say that I am successfully organized all the time, which as you might imagine makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Now, if it was just me, living alone in my beautiful house, it would be perfectly decorated, cleaned and organized all the time. Better Home and Gardens could stop by anytime unannounced and get their cover shot. But alas, I have four boys and a husband who do not share my love of cleanliness. In fact, if I did not point out the mess, they might never see it (opting to walk over their school bag left in the middle of the kitchen floor instead of picking it up). And if I should actually get them to clean or pick up, I admit that it isn't the way I would do it and I end up fixing it anyway.

My ultimate goal it to have my house picked up and organized perpetually which I was successful at for a couple weeks, and then school started. Now it's true that the kids aren't around as much as they were in the summer, but when they are home they are always in a rush to get somewhere else. This is when the tornado hits. Things are thrown everywhere - dirty clothes on my kitchen island, shoes in the dining room, school bags right where I can trip on them. And then the questions begin, "where is my ---- (insert something they are sure they can't live without but apparently not important enough to keep tabs on it cause that is my job)?" While I think I'm funny by saying, "I don't know, it's not mine." They do not share my amusement and are less than enthusiastic about going to look for it. So instead of taking the five minutes to actually find it, they would rather incite a riot by yelling, screaming and insisting I get it. I am a stubborn woman and this typically doesn't work out in their favor and they end up 20 minutes late for wherever they need to be, which of course is also my fault.

And it's not just our living space, it's our entire lives. There are school functions, homework assignments, sporting events and practice for two different sports, 3 fundraisers per kids at the same time and "is their favorite pair of jeans clean"(the ones that look exactly like the 4 others in their drawer) to keep track of. Add my full time job and multiply that by three tweens, a 20 month old and a husband. Seriously?!

So, while my goal might be lofty, I just can't give up. I read somewhere that the reason clutter stresses me out is because it makes me feel out of control. The longer I look at the mess, the more anxious I get. So now I know why (in addition to the lost time and arguments over where everything is and why can't anyone else pick up after themselves), what I need to figure out how - how to make it better. I am tired of yelling, of talking to myself and of wanting to pretty kill my entire family three times a day. I figure I must start with a clean slate, which might take me a while. My short term goal is to de-clutter my house with the motto "a place for everything and everything in its place." Then 15 minutes before bed and school every day, I will mandate a pick up time, my husband included. I am sure this will not be something my family takes on with open arms, but what the hell - it will make me happy. Maybe it will even leave me some time to make lunches the night before, yeah right!

True Friendship, like love, should be unconditional

2009-06-12T21:05:00.005-04:00

Kids Will Surprise You (a follow up to I Don't Know, It's Not Mine)

2009-04-29T13:56:00.012-04:00

First let me say that I woke up this past Saturday morning with the realization that all of my laundry was actually done; as in washed, dried, folded and put away (which I never thought was possible) and my house was clean and picked up. Amazing, I know! (Don't be too jealous, it lasted for all of about an hour.) I tell you this because it actually offered favorable conditions to begin my delegation of laundry duties to the rest of my family.

Now if you didn't read my previous blog titled, "I Don't Know, It's Not Mine," let me catch you up a bit. In a nutshell, I have 3 sons between the ages of 8 and 11, all of whom believe that I should not only know where everything is, but also take care of all the mundane chores associated with their lives. Like a fool, I had gone along with this for much too long and decided one day that I had had enough. I decided then and there that I was going to start to delegate (which is a scary word for me because, as my husband will attest, I am a complete control freak), starting with the laundry.

I have bright, active boys and I was very confident that they could handle doing their own laundry (although not sure they would agree). Not only would this free up some of my time, but it would also introduce them to some responsibility, teach them a very useful life skill, and stop the very annoying question "Mom, where is my ____ (insert anything and everything that they can't find that in no way whatsoever belongs to me)?"

I started my experiment with my 8 1/2 year old son because he was actually excited about this chore. Why I have no idea, but he thought doing the laundry would be fun and so he became my first guinea pig. Now I am not sure he realized just what the laundry entailed, and seemed a bit surprised when I had him bring down his dirty laundry from his 3rd floor bedroom. But after that initial scare, it seemed to go pretty well. He had no problem loading the washer, moving to the dryer and then putting the clean laundry into a basket.

And then came the folding. As I watched him invent new ways to fold t-shirts, I had to stop myself from showing him the "right" way to do it. My stepson (who was actually helping my son fold the laundry - who knew this chore could also encourage cooperation) had to remind me a couple times that there was more than one way to fold laundry. And he was right, it didn't really matter how he folded them, as long as he did in such a way that they would not end up wrinkled. Even I was learning something in this process.

After the folding, he carried the very heavy basket up 3 flights of stairs and proceeded to put them away, which he did need a little help with because he drawers were already pretty full. All is all, kid number one was successful. Kid number 2 and 3 (my stepsons) were also very good about their new chore. I had to actually remind them where they were in the process, but no one actually argued with me even once. And to reinforce their positive behavior, I handed them their allowance on Sunday afternoon in real actual cash (and then of course reminded them that this money was now their responsibility and we will not answer any questions about where their money might be or entertain the possibility that our cleaning lady stole it from them).

So in the end, my children dove right into their new chore. They did a great job, didn't complain once and even taught me a thing or two. I figure I will give this a couple months to become habit and then delegate something new. Who knows, in a couple years I might find myself with some free time.

If Baby Ain't Happy...

2009-04-21T11:13:00.020-04:00

So I know the original saying goes, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy," but most of us mothers would agree that when the kids are happy, especially the babies, life is much easier. Unfortunately, my 15 month old has a problem sleeping through the night that keeps both my husband and I tired and grumpy. The other night, around 3:30 am, our little cherub woke up and started calling for dad. Yes, he calls for dad which puts a little smile on my face as I nudge my husband and say, "honey, the baby wants you." Like a trooper, my honey gets up to change and feed the baby (yes, I know that he is 15 months old and definitely doesn't need a bottle in the middle of the night, but it gets him back to sleep and really at 3 am that is all that matters). Much to my dismay however, I heard my husband fumbling around in the dresser which meant that the baby had wet through his jammies. I nicely got up and offered an assist by changing the crib sheets and finding clean pjs (which were not actually in the dresser, but downstairs and in one of about 5 laundry baskets that I had to fumble through in the dark because I never ever get to actually putting away the laundry). After both collapsing in bed 30 minutes later, baby sleeping soundly, now 4 am, neither of us could fall asleep. While I lay there, tossing and turning, thinking about all the things I had to do tomorrow (uh, um - today), my husband went downstairs to watch a little TV. I must have eventually fallen asleep because I was actually startled when my alarm went off at that the insane hour of 5 am. And so my day began and I actually made it through.

Knowing what to do with your baby as he turns into a toddler is a daunting task. This is my second so it should in theory be easy. However, my first is now almost 9 years old and I am starting to realize that as terrible as it sounds, I don't really remember the milestones a good mother is suppose to memorize. I know about when he gave up breastfeeding, the age he was potty trained and when he started to walk. But I don't know the actual dates and honestly have no idea what his first word was (unless you count Hoot Hoot). So as we move into this new phase of my youngest's life, I have been consulting websites, books, and of course, other moms.

The sleeping through the night one is hard. I know why he wakes up, because his diaper is so wet it soaks through his clothes and makes him cold and wet. And I know why he is so soaked, because he downs 8 ounces from his bottle right before he goes to sleep. The hard part is getting rid of the bottle. So I have done all my research to see how to "ca bosh" the bottle habit. Most things I have read talk about introducing the sippy cup - yeah done that. All day long he drinks juice (yes I know, any good mother knows that juice is the devil - but again it keeps him happy so I am all for it) out of his cup and even through a straw, which I have been told is very advanced. Its not that he has to have a bottle all the time, just at bedtime. We have even tried giving him half a bottle, but the battle that ensues almost always gets me to bust out the other half. So what is a girl to do?

I have read to replace it with water and that since what is in the bottle is undesirable, he will eventually stop asking for it. Yeah right! Two sips of that bad boy and the protest again starts that could rival the best temper tantrums out there. I guess it goes back to the age old question of just letting him cry it out or not. Unfortunately, my kid is the one who will bang on the wall until you come back, turn the lights on and off so that someone outside might think we are trying to send an SOS, and cry so hard he throws up. He will not lay down or even sit down, he will stay standing in his crib for hours if we let him and the last time I checked its pretty tricky to fall asleep standing up.

My new theory was that if I started giving him just one ounce less a night for a couple weeks we would have him down to a manageable amount that wouldn't induce "peeing like a racehorse" every night. So I started off 3 nights ago with 7 ounces and miracle of miracle, he did in fact sleep through the night. He was still wet when he woke up, but somehow that wasn't until 6 am. And as luck would have it, he has followed suit for the last two nights as well. Now do I think one ounce was the magic number - hell no! I am not that good. But whatever has happened, happened just in time to save our sanity and give us a little rest so that when the old patterns revert, as they always do, we can handle it just a little bit better. Sometimes the mysteries of parenthood work in our favor and when they do - do not ask why or how, just enjoy it!

I Don't Know, It's Not Mine

2009-04-17T21:39:00.005-04:00

There comes a time in every boy's life when they need to start taking responsibility for their own things. Today is that day for my boys, my husband included. Ladies, I am sure you will agree with me that at some point, knowing everything is only a burden. I am tired of everyone asking me where their stuff is. I used to roll my eyes, protest in silence and get it for them. Then I started protesting out loud but still telling them where there could probably find it. This only led to more wasted time as of course they could never find it and I would still have to go get it. And yes, it would always be right where I said it would be. Recently, when I was asked, "honey, where is my..." I replied, "I don't know, it's not mine." This is my story and I am sticking to it.

When I proclaimed to my husband that I was sick of knowing where everything was, he reminded me that it was because I was the one who put it away. Thanks for bringing that to light honey. Right then and there I decided that my family would be doing their own laundry from now on. Of course this may not actually work in the real world, but in theory it sounds fabulous. No longer will I be responsible for making sure their favorite jeans are clean or that they have clean underwear. No longer will I spend hours upon hours washing, drying, folding and putting away everyone's laundry, God knows no one is doing my laundry for me. Maybe I will be able to finish a blog in one sitting instead of a couple minutes here and there over three weeks.

I got to thinking that my kids could figure out the most intricate video games. They can figure out how to put all their football pads on and remember where all the NBA players went to college. They can certainly take on some more responsibilities. Its like running a business, you must deligate. And so tonight I begin deligating starting with having my husband put all the soccer uniforms together for tomorrow morning's game, of course I had to tell him where everything was, but you have to start somewhere.

In Praise of Going Backwards

2009-03-30T21:38:00.020-04:00

As a little girl, I dreamed about meeting my prince charming and living happily ever after. Most little girls have this impossible dream thanks to every cartoon ever made. We dress them up in princess gowns and put tiaras on their heads and tell them how beautiful they are. The problem is that we keep this dream as we grow up and when happily ever after has come and gone, we feel like failures. For some reason, we all believe that there is a right way to do things. You meet your soul mate, get married, buy a house, have kids and grow old together. I, however, have never done things "the right way" and for a long time I thought I was missing out on something.

When I was pregnant with my first son, it was a surprise (ie. it wasn't planned). I walked around with a growing belly and no wedding ring. And while a lot of women take their rings off as their fingers swell, I was convinced that people knew when they looked at me that I was a single mom. While most people gets hugs and congratulations, I got, "what are you going to do?" My family and friends threw me a baby shower, but there was no father to help load the gifts into the car or put together the crib and it made me sad. I wasn't sad that the real father wasn't involved because it was probably for the best. I was sad that there wasn't a father involved. I was sad that I was going through it on my own, without the other half of the "fairy-tale" equation I always dreamed of having. On the up side I didn't have to share my son with anyone. I could give him whatever I wanted and discipline him however I saw fit. Being a single parent wasn't easy, but it did made me stronger in a way that I couldn't understand at the time.

So first I had my son, and then I bought my first home. Again, I did this all by myself. While this was definitely empowering, it still wasn't the way it was suppose to be. I went to bed alone every night and woke up alone every morning. There was one car parked in the driveway and I was the only one there to take out the trash. I loved my first house and because of it I learned how to use a drill, hang curtains and mow the lawn. It too made me stronger, but again, I couldn't really appreciate it.

And then I finally met my prince charming. But instead of focusing on being thankful for finding him (which I truly was), I focused on how it had happened all wrong. And when he finally moved in and I finally had my "family" it still wasn't right. We weren't married and I didn't even have a ring. I was obsessed with having a diamond on my finger as if somehow that gave me worth. Everywhere I went I would look at woman's hands and wonder what made them so special that someone gave them a ring. I would ask myself why wasn't I that special and why couldn't I have done things the right way.

What is it about society that tells us that we need that diamond ring to be of value as a woman? Who decided that there is a right way to do things and why the hell did they have to tell me?

And then I got my ring and it finally happened, I stopped wondering why and started focusing on how - how lucky I truly was. Unfortunately, it took me a silly (but beautiful) piece of jewelry to see what I had all along. I had this amazing man who loved me even though I had done it all wrong. He loved my son as if he was his own. He made me laugh and he truly was (and is) my best friend. I love coming home to him every night and would spend every moment with him if given the chance. He is a fantastic husband and even better father and I am thankful every day for him.

So my journey wasn't the way I had planned and it wasn't the way I thought it was suppose to go. But looking back I realize that my detours in life are the reason I am so happy today.
Through my travels, I discovered the things that make me happy in life and in a mate. And I learned not to settle because at the end of the day it makes everyone miserable and live is just too short. I know that my husband is everything I want and I will never have to second guess if there is someone out there who is a better fit for me.

I also learned that in order to be happy, you just have to be yourself. I spent so much time trying to figure out what other people wanted me to be that I lost myself in the process. So I never played those games with my husband. I have fully disclosed who I am with him since the beginning, skeletons and all. Lying about who you are and what you have done is just too much work and can cause a lot of stress. Being honest is truly the most freeing thing you can do.

So it turns out that doing things the wrong way turned out to be the right way for me. Life lessons are very powerful should you choose to learn from them. My husband and I know how lucky we are to have found someone that we honestly enjoy being with more each day. Life is too short to not be happy. The trick is not only figuring out the things in life that make you happy (which can be difficult enough by itself and usually comes from figuring out what makes you unhappy), but also making decisions that invite that happiness into your life every day.

The Battle of the Sexes

2009-03-27T09:46:00.018-04:00

One Friday, a couple weeks ago, I had one of "those mornings." You know the ones where you are running late, the baby cries when you put him down, the 8 year old cries because his video game got shut off, the husband picks a fight with the 8 year old and you are left to pick up the pieces, get everyone to school on time (after first explaining why they actually do need to go to school and that no, being sad about a video game does not warrant a sick day) and somehow get to work on time. And as I was finally enjoying my morning drive, thoughts about the morning episode started to creep into my precious alone time.

My thoughts seemed to focus on how can men and women can be so different. Honestly, no woman I know would fight with an 8 year old about a video game on a school morning - just let it go and get the hell out of the house. I love my husband, I truly do and I am very lucky because I consider him my best friend. But every now and then, the thought creeps in that my best girl friend would never do that. For example, the other night my husband was sitting in his recliner, watching basketball and playing on Facebook. It was 10 pm (way past my bedtime) and there I was, still folding laundry. He looked at me, completely serious, and asked me if I could get him a snack. Seriously?! This is when I think, "my girl-friends would never do that!"

So what exactly makes men and women so different? Who knows, definitely not me. They say it actually has to do with the way our brains work. I am not sure if I'm buying that, but now the mother to 4 boys I am reluctantly starting to agree. Like most females, I spent most of my life until now (and including now) living in frustration with the male gender. And most of you ladies will agree, they just don't get it. I was thoroughly convinced that they were all doing it on purpose to drive me crazy. Doing what you ask - everything! They were ignoring me, not returning my calls (or even avoiding them), making a mess, being gross, being immature, anything and everything opposite of me and my girlfriends - as if somehow they had a choice to be like them or to be like us.

And then I had my son.

When I found out I was having a boy, my first thought was what am I going to do with a boy? I don't even know how to handle the grown up ones, never mind the baby ones...as if a little alien was about to move in. Fast forward nine years, four boys and a husband later and I am still baffled most of the time. While I have learned to predict my boys' behaviors and have learned to co-exist better with them, I still wouldn't say I understand them. Why, for example, do they refuse to share their feelings? When guys are upset about something, regardless of whether they are 8 or 4o, they don't voluntarily share. Brooding is the best way I can explain it. They become quiet and grumpy and get mad about something stupid like what show you are watching on tv. And even when you ask, they won't admit that anything is wrong. So finally, 3 days and many fights later they will finally admit what is wrong - talk about wasting time. We girls will tell everyone who will listen what is wrong with-in seconds of the injustice. We will phone our friends, post it on Facebook and use it as a good excuse to drink a bottle of wine (as if we need one). And in an hour or so we will start to feel better - talk about saving time!

I should have known something was up when I took my first son to the playground when he was two. I can still picture it like it was yesterday. The swings and slides could not compare to the cars whizzing by on the other side of the chain-linked fence. I think he stood there for 30 minutes, his little hands holding onto the fence, just watching the cars go by with a huge smile on his face. Thirty minutes is along time for a two year old to stand still for anything, never mind something as boring as that. I guess that makes me a girl. So it turns out that the stereotypes mostly hold true that little boys like trucks, balls and destroying things while little girls like dolls, dressing up and tea-parties.

So where does that leave us? Pretty much right where we started, literally. We are born different, raised different and end up different. The trick is learning how to live with each other and try to appreciate those differences especially in moments of shear frustration. I can definitely appreciate the simplicity that men offer; usually what you see is what you get. I wish I could learn how to incorporate that outlook into my life a little bit more, as long as they would try to clean up the mess they swear they don't even see - just once!

The Toughest Job You Will Ever Love

2009-03-25T20:40:00.001-04:00

It's hard sometimes to define yourself as one thing. Like most women I know, I am a mother, a daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend, and more. All of these relationships bring their own set of rules and challenges and baggage. Sometimes it's hard to juggle all the personas and all the stuff that comes with each one; asking us to switch roles maybe 10 times in a day. I have become good at morphing to fit the image of what's expected with each role, a chameleon of sorts. Let's face it, we all act differently with each of our friends, our kids, our bosses, our mothers, our husbands and somehow we manage to keep everyone more or less happy. It can definitely take its emotional toll on us, wanting just once to have nothing expected of us. But we do it, as if second nature, cause that is who we are. For me however, there is one label where the rules are fuzzy and constantly changing, leaving me to wonder “how in the world do I ever get good at this?” That is my role as a stepmother.

First, let me explain how I have tried to step-parent. As the mother of two of my own children, I decided to simply be a mom. There are rules in our house that should be followed and consequences should they be ignored. I have tried hard not to play favorites, although inevitably not everyone agrees that I have been successful on that particular endeavor. I care about all four of my boys and try always to put their needs first. However, sometimes I feel that I care more than I have the right to. After all, I have no legal rights to these boys. I am not their guardian and, god forbid, should my husband die I may never see them again. My opinion on matters relating to my stepsons is just that, an opinion. And while I’d like to think that my husband and I make decisions as a team, they are still his kids. So I am stuck in this awkward, emotionally draining place where I am expected to act like their mother (doing their laundry, making their meals, driving them to football, asking how their day was, caring and loving them) but I am given none of the rights of being a parent to them. It’s a lonely road that I don’t even think my husband gets most of the time.

Now if my struggle internally was all I had to deal with, maybe I could get better at pretending it was easy. But it is dealing with all the other “relationships” that leave me flabbergasted. First, there is the obvious relationship with my two stepsons. I am not their mother so who gives me the right to tell them what to do. Plus, I am the reason their parents aren't together anymore, right? While neither is true, it’s hard to explain the intricacies of the situation to a child, especially when you don't really get them yourself. I love my stepsons. I love them as much as my own children and sometimes I think I love them more; I would have to. With our own children there is an instant bond that goes deeper than anything I knew could exist. It’s the reason you can stare at them in wonder for hours or why, when they are first born, it’s hard to distinguish where they leave off and you begin. It’s also the reason that my older son has lived to be 8 years old. It’s called unconditional love and its one of the great mysteries of life. I will love my sons no matter what, forever. I will also always love my stepsons, but this love is more of a work in progress, a reminder I offer myself each time one of them challenges me, and a promise I make every day. What it comes down to is hard work; it takes a lot more work to love my stepsons. And I am willing to work as hard as it takes. This sentiment, however, is often lost on the children. If you think being a parent is a thankless job, try being a step-parent.

This role also leaves my relationship with their father, my husband, in a fuzzy place when it comes to his children. I love my husband. I consider him my best friend because I can be myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and most of the time he actually likes me. I never have to pretend to be anything but me; except, that is, for when it comes to my stepsons. The gray area surrounding my thoughts on his 2 boys is murky at best and hard to navigate. This is the only time in which I am very careful to choose my words with him and even then it never comes out right. Much like the way we all take advice about our children from well meaning “outsiders,” sometimes he smiles politely and brushes me off, other times he flat out tells me to mind my own business. To me however, they are part of our family and therefore, they are my business. Do I blame him for feeling this way? Never, I get it. But I wish he would get where I am coming from too. I love those boys as if they were my own and I wish that at least he would take that into consideration even if the law doesn’t.

There is the obvious relationship with the ex-wife. I try to stay out of this one as much as possible. I am cordial in person and even try to see where she is coming from on occasion. And in turn, she smiles and pretends she doesn’t hate my guts. I am very conscience of what I say in front of the children and always make sure they respect their mother. I won’t begin to pretend that I know how she feels or what she is going through. But obviously she can put additional stress on my relationship with my stepsons and sometimes my husband. I still hope that someday we can all move past our petty differences and act like adults, especially when it’s in the best interest of the children. But it’s been over five years now so maybe that is too much to ask given the emotional depth of the whole situation.

At the end of the day, even with all of the frustrations and second-guessing that comes with being a stepmother, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love my stepsons and I love our family. They have enriched my life in ways I never planned and given my boys the bond of brotherhood that will last their lifetime. I will continue to fight for what I think is best for them, even if no one thinks my opinion matters because that is what you do for the people you love. I hope that they will grow up knowing that I love them and feeling that we have created a happy, safe place that they can call home.

This Mom's Take on Going Green

2009-03-20T14:24:00.002-04:00

I am a thirty-something mom who thinks I am pretty cool and whose kids aren’t old enough yet to disagree with me. However, trendy is not a word I would use to describe myself. Let’s face it, the mini skirts and high heels that an 18 year old can pull off would look down right ridiculous as I chase after my 13 month old who just learned to walk, not to mention dangerous for me (I could twist an ankle or something). I don’t have time to worry about the latest hairdo or make my eyes look “smoky” if that is even in anymore. Hell, I don't even put on make up some days, and I'm talking work days. So while most of us moms past the age of 30 might not consider ourselves trendy, we might want to think again.

One of the biggest trends to hit in the last couple of years by far is to "go green." Okay you say, but this trend isn’t self indulgent and just for show – but isn’t it? Old habits die hard, and if you are used to keeping up with the Joneses then I know you have tried this particular aforementioned “trend.”

I am guilty of watching Oprah one day as she discussed the waste that one person can leave behind. She talked about alternatives to paper napkins, paper towels, leaving your computer on and cell phones plugged in. She even challenged a few families to a week without waste. They both came out of it better for the experience; a happier and closer family; and vowed to keep it going long after the week was over. My first thought was “I can do that!”

And so my own experiment began. I went right out and bought cloth napkins, more kitchen towels and the reusable bags they sell at the grocery stores. We changed light bulbs and turned off our computers and stopped using paper plates. I felt great knowing that I was doing something good for the environment and after all, Oprah made me feel like it was the cool thing to do. So, am I still doing it? Hell no!

While the family grumbled a little bit about the changes, it was really me who ended up feeling the brunt of the experiment. Cloth napkins and towels meant more laundry and more often – can’t be stuck with a spill and no clean towels. It meant doing more dishes as I wasn’t aloud to buy paper plates or cups anymore. I was never very good about turning off the television because I love sitting down at night and watching TV. Not to mention that I don’t have the death wish associated with making the kids give up their video games. And let’s face it, it keeps them entertained. And when my newborn son came along, I did toy with the idea of cloth diapers, but there was no way that idea was going to fly in my house. So I tried the next best thing and I bought “natural” diapers at Wholefoods. And this too lasted exactly one package of diapers in which time we experienced some pretty serious leaks and the pain in the ass of having to go to a special store to get them. And those great reusable bags for the grocery store? I had used them exactly once. They were still sitting in my pantry where I put them after my first shopping trip because I either bought groceries online (and as much as I protest, they bring all my groceries in plastic bags – and since they deliver I will continue to look the other way) or I completely forgot about them until I was at the check out.

Now I am still a big proponent of recycling and I try to recycle everything I can get my hands on. But again, they come to my house to pick it up and it doesn’t cost me anything. So, to sum up this experiment – as with most trends, it cost more time and money for me to “go green” than I have either of. And I started wondering if the energy and water I was using to wash everything might be outweighing or at least equaling the paper waste. Not to mention all the extra gas and emissions from me driving all over the place to find stores that carried the special “green” products. So while it might be the cool thing to do (and I know, good for the planet and all that), I am just too tired, busy and poor to be politically or environmentally correct on this one.

Our love hate relationship with our husbands

2009-03-06T11:29:00.005-05:00

The other day I came across an article in Parenting Magazine entitled "Mad at Dad, We love our husbands -- so why are we so angry at them, so often?" So I sat there and read the 3 page article with bated breath looking for some answers. The article was right on, at least for me. I love my husband a lot and he is my best friend. (Although from time to time I have to remind myself that a female best friend is far different than a male best friend with whom you share a bathroom, kitchen, kids, etc. - more on that later). However, I find myself angry with him a lot and I was hoping this article would help.

The article touched on the topics of housework, parenting, "me time" and all the things we fight about constantly. And while it did make me feel better that I wasn't alone, it didn't offer me any insight into how to stop the anger, aside from "talk to your husband." Seriously?! My problem is that I have talked to my husband until I am blue in the face; that is when the yelling comes in, as if some how the volume level of my voice will actually make him listen.

As women we take on a lot of things, partly by choice (because lets face it, we usually do it better) and partly out of necessity (because if we don't do it, it just wouldn't get done). And as we get older and we have a bigger house, more kids, more activities, more responsibilities at work, it only gets worse. There are a lot of days where I wish that I had a wife cause lets face it, the husband usually gets off easy.

As I read on through stories of women like myself who are upset because they know they married smart, capable men who can make million dollar deals at work but can't figure out how to run the dishwasher, I felt myself getting angry. My husband was sitting next me while I read the article and thought I was stupid for reading an article that was making me mad at him when he hadn't actually done anything. But isn't that always the way; they forget quickly while we are mad and move on. But its not so easy for us - at least not for me. I tend to let the anger build and fester and once a month I let my hormones take over. And while my husband chaulks it up to PMS, I try to explain that I am angry for a reason, but maybe just more verbal about it today. Its not usually just one thing. If he just left the dirty dish on the counter right above the dishwasher I might over look it. But add that with the dirty laundry on the floor, the empty cup in the living room, the time spent playing hockey, and don't get me started on golf season...my temperature starts to rise.

My husband did take the time to tell me the other day that he appreciates everything I do for our family and he loves me very much. I know I am lucky that he gets it from time to time. But honestly, I would rather never hear those words and have him clean the kitchen without having to be asked. So the question arises - why the hell are most men like this? Is it in their DNA, do they take some kind of class along the way? Has society told them that they don't need to learn these skills? Did their mothers ruin them for us? And I have to admit that with my four boys I do tend to take care of them a little too much cause quite honestly its easier than fighting with them...so I guess I am part of the problem.

So my ultimate question is how do we stop being so angry and how do we get our men to help out more? I guess at the end of the day, the article didn't offer any solutions because if there were any, there wouldn't be an article (hope you follow that logic). I know I love my husband and at the end of the day I am lucky. He does make me laugh, he is a great dad and from time to time he realizes how much I do for our family. But I still say that I should leave him to fend for himself from a Tuesday to Thursday, driving the kids all over creation, doing laundry, cooking, and trying to work while I go to the spa - anyone want to join me?

Getting your kids to sleep already!

2008-10-01T16:18:00.002-04:00

Okay, so having an 8 month old means we haven't slept for like 8 months. So we decided enough was enough! I remember that I never did anything to help my 8 year old get to sleep on his own and I was still singing him to sleep at 6, not this time!

Last night was the first night of the rest of our lives. I did the whole bedtime ritual thing, bath, pjs, book (mostly Vince eating it) and bottle (which he didnt' want anything to do with). And then I turned out the light and put him in his crib. I sat by his bed for one full hour while he cried and cried and fell asleep and then woke himself up and then cried somemore. As crazy as it sounds, it was actually a much better experience than our normal routine of rocking and bouncing and tricking him into going to sleep. I had made up my mind, sat down and waited. When he finally went to sleep, I was so proud he did himself. He was out by about 7:15. He did wake up at 11 pm but again, I fed him (didn't him fall asleep with the bottle in my mouth like I was told) and then put him in his bed. This time it only took 10 minutes and he was out. And the best part was, he slept until 6:45 am!

So, I am not sure if this will continue or get even better tonight, but I do know that an hour of crying is worth a full night sleep anytime. The hardest thing as a parent is to not give in, which in the short run makes it easier on us. I just wanted to share my story because I think most of us have something we know we need to break our kids of but we don't do it because we are either afraid it won't work or just too tired to deal with the process itself. But in the end, a couple days or weeks of misery will usually break the habit for the long run. And the benefit of the process itself is that it gives up back the control that we so often give up.

Good Luck!

This whole economic mess

2008-09-29T23:12:00.003-04:00

As a mother, one thing I am trying to instill in my children is personal responsibility. Always try your hardest and do you best; tell the truth; act with integrity; follow the rules including the law...If you do something wrong, you will face consequences and hopefully, if you do something right, you will be rewarded. So how is it that the message our society is constantly reinforcing seems to be exactly the opposite.

For years now I have been bothered by the fact that my children in elementary school do not receive grades. It seems like something so simple - you work hard and study and you are rewarded with good grades. But someone decided that our children couldn't handle that truth. Somehow, the fear was that our children would give up if they received a bad grade instead of trying harder. So instead of offering help to these children to ensure that "no child is left behind," we simply took the personal responsibility of learning away. How do we tell our children that they need to go that extra mile when they know it doesn't really matter? Are we teaching them that they only need to do what they can to simply get by? Why should teachers have to dangle prizes in front of our children to get them to try their hardest? Are we failing our children and setting them up on a global scale to fail?

As I look at this economic disaster that we sit in the middle of, again I ask about personal responsibility. How exactly did it get this bad? Did none of the officers at any of these companies have morals? Did none of them care about what was right? And what about us who pay our mortgages every month? How can we blame it all on the banks writing bad loans? Yes, they gave people money without good credit or substancial incomes - but didn't the people who took out the mortgages know they couldn't afford it? And now we are suppose to bail them out so they don't lose their homes? You signed for the mortgage, you didn't pay your bills - you are responsible for your situation. Now I wouldn't begin to assume for one second that all the mortgage brokers out there are on the up and up. But there is always someone out there trying to take advantage of someone. Its up to you to not let it happen to you - again, personal responsibility.

So my family sits here in the midst of the worst economic mess since the great depression and as a country our schools cannot compete in the global marketplace. I did what I was suppose to do - I worked hard, paid my bills and told the truth, but it doesn't even seem to matter anymore. So as a mother, how do I raise my children to accept responsibility when our society tells them its okay to let other bail them out?

Welcome!

2008-09-29T16:18:00.001-04:00

So here it is, my first blog! Woohoo! I really just wanted a place for other mom's like myself to talk or complain or get advice. So hopefully I can help by sharing my experiences or offering you a funny story that you can relate to. Either way, I hope you find it entertaining and come back often.