Friday, December 11, 2009

Embracing the Christmas Chaos

I have noticed that my life is typically all or nothing. Everything tends to either be organized and healthy or completely and utterly chaotic. Unfortunately, the chaos has taken over recently. With my full time schedule, my husband's new job, our 3 boys playing basketball (one on two teams) all with practices and games in different places at different times and a 2 year old thrown in there (oh, and a new cat - which of course was my crazy idea), there isn't much free time or order in our lives. My house is a mess (which couldn't be worse since I am a neat freak), my dishes are dirty in the sink (because my dishwasher is clean but no one is volunteering to empty it), my clean laundry remains in baskets (now a mess from everyone trying to find their clothes) and I am too tired at the end of the day to do anything about it. And all of this chaos spills over into how we eat. I can't tell you the last time I cooked a healthy, well-balanced meal. Family dinners are important in my house, but lately they have all but vanished. Typically we are scrambling to make sure the kids get something in them before basketball practice and unfortunately it ends up being fast food or pizza. In fact, I think I actually ate Oreos for dinner last night.

Of course, all of this is compounded by the fact that we are 14 days away from Christmas. My list of to-dos has more than doubled with remembering everyone I need to remember, shopping, wrapping, parties, who and how much to tip...I keep hearing that I should take some time to slow down and just enjoy the season. Seriously? On a slow day in March I might find 2 seconds to breath, but sorry, December is totally booked. I have been thinking recently, that I would like to do something festive with my kids to help celebrate my favorite time of the year. I am starting to think that that is also a losing battle. My nine year old was so excited to help me decorate the tree but lost interest in about 3 minutes. I tried to suggest caroling but the response was less than enthusiastic. So I guess I will have to settle for the Christmas music they play at the mall while I am fighting the crowds and the heat (cause when its 20 degrees outside, somehow they figure that 85 degrees is optimal shopping weather).

I know the moral is that life is just crazy and you should try to embrace the chaos. If you are anything like me that is asking a lot. I had about 20 minutes of bliss yesterday before my family got home. The house was clean and picked up, I had a candle lit filling the house with cozy, holiday scents and I was wearing my slippers drinking a warm cup of coffee. And then everyone came home. I do love having my family home, I guess I just wished they like neatness as much as me. Oh well, I can't wish the holidays away or for my children to grow up because I really do cherish every day with them. I guess I will take a deep breath and count my blessings and hug my kids, even if they say "aw mom!"

Here's to a chaotic, memory-filled holiday season! When you feel like you have had enough, remember how blessed you are and hug your kids even if the house is a mess.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Mission Organization

If you know me at all, you will know that I am a complete lunatic when it comes to organization. I try to be organized in everything I do. Some of it came out of necessity as I have misplaced important things or missed important deadlines, some of it is hereditary (hate to admit it but I have grown up to be like my mother) and some it just because I like it. Okay, maybe like is a little bit soft, I am obsessed, consumed with it. My life is as full as it gets with 4 kids (all boys) who play different sports in different towns, a full time job, a toddler and a husband who has a lot of hobbies (I am either a golf widow or hockey widow depending on the season). If I wasn't organized I might spend most days in bed, under the covers feeling completely overwhelmed.

This is not to say that I am successfully organized all the time, which as you might imagine makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Now, if it was just me, living alone in my beautiful house, it would be perfectly decorated, cleaned and organized all the time. Better Home and Gardens could stop by anytime unannounced and get their cover shot. But alas, I have four boys and a husband who do not share my love of cleanliness. In fact, if I did not point out the mess, they might never see it (opting to walk over their school bag left in the middle of the kitchen floor instead of picking it up). And if I should actually get them to clean or pick up, I admit that it isn't the way I would do it and I end up fixing it anyway.

My ultimate goal it to have my house picked up and organized perpetually which I was successful at for a couple weeks, and then school started. Now it's true that the kids aren't around as much as they were in the summer, but when they are home they are always in a rush to get somewhere else. This is when the tornado hits. Things are thrown everywhere - dirty clothes on my kitchen island, shoes in the dining room, school bags right where I can trip on them. And then the questions begin, "where is my ---- (insert something they are sure they can't live without but apparently not important enough to keep tabs on it cause that is my job)?" While I think I'm funny by saying, "I don't know, it's not mine." They do not share my amusement and are less than enthusiastic about going to look for it. So instead of taking the five minutes to actually find it, they would rather incite a riot by yelling, screaming and insisting I get it. I am a stubborn woman and this typically doesn't work out in their favor and they end up 20 minutes late for wherever they need to be, which of course is also my fault.

And it's not just our living space, it's our entire lives. There are school functions, homework assignments, sporting events and practice for two different sports, 3 fundraisers per kids at the same time and "is their favorite pair of jeans clean"(the ones that look exactly like the 4 others in their drawer) to keep track of. Add my full time job and multiply that by three tweens, a 20 month old and a husband. Seriously?!

So, while my goal might be lofty, I just can't give up. I read somewhere that the reason clutter stresses me out is because it makes me feel out of control. The longer I look at the mess, the more anxious I get. So now I know why (in addition to the lost time and arguments over where everything is and why can't anyone else pick up after themselves), what I need to figure out how - how to make it better. I am tired of yelling, of talking to myself and of wanting to pretty much kill my entire family three times a day. I figure I must start with a clean slate, which might take me a while. My short term goal is to de-clutter my house with the motto "a place for everything and everything in its place." Then 15 minutes before bed and school every day, I will mandate a pick up time, my husband included. I am sure this will not be something my family takes on with open arms, but what the hell - it will make me happy. Maybe it will even leave me some time to make lunches the night before, yeah right!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Our Family Constitution

I know that I owe everyone an update on how its going, but wanted to share the actual constitution with you. We have already identified a couple additions that will be added next time around, but so far so good!



Article I. The Basics.

SECTION 1.1. FAMILY MEMBERS.

The XYZ Family shall be composed of six members: Sean (kid), Liam (kid), Bailey (kid), Vincent (kid), Peter (Dad), and Rebekah (Mom/Step-mom).

Mom and Dad shall serve as Managers and executors of the XYZ Family Constitution. Each shall strive to be responsible, fair, just and consistent.

SECTION 1.2. DEFINITIONS.

Ding- Broken rule.
Drop- Failure to perform chores or responsibilities on time.
Screen Time- Usage of television, video games, computer and hand-held games.
Week- Monday to Sunday.

SECTION 1.3. FAMILY MEETINGS.

Meetings shall occur weekly on Tuesday evenings. The ideas, interests and concerns of each family member shall be heard and considered, providing that they are expressed in a calm and respectful manner.

Each meeting shall cover the following topics:

Family Business
• Issues and proposals;
• Topical chat (questions, current events, etc.)
• Upcoming vacations and activities

Weekly Planning
• Dinner planning (each person selects for one weeknight);
• Calendar (upcoming parties, events, practices, etc.)
• Coordination (grocery shopping; rides to school and activities)

Chores and Responsibilities
• Review checklists
• Acknowledgement and rewards
• Family Fun (games, movie, etc.)

Article II. The Rules.

SECTION 2.1. ATTITUDE & BEHAVIOR.

Purpose
To promote good decisions, manners and clear and calm communication.

Rules & Parameters
  • Whining, complaining, yelling, talking back and name-calling shall result in one verbal warning, followed by the escalating consequences, as described below.
  • Good manners are expected (please, thank you, excuse me, etc.). Lack of good manners shall result in one verbal warning, followed by the escalating consequences, as described below.
  • Respect for adults is also expected. Lack of respect shall result in one verbal warning, followed by the escalating consequences, as described below.
  • Hitting, kicking, or intentionally damaging property shall result in immediate Level 2 consequences.
  • Lying or “parent-shopping” shall result in immediate Level 3 consequences.

Consequences

Escalating consequences:

1. Five-minute time out;
2. One hour in room;
3. Twenty-four hours without Screen Time for each subsequent
infraction.

SECTION 2.2. CHORES, HOMEWORK & RESPONSIBILITY.

Purpose
To develop strong work ethic and encourage academic success.

Rules & Parameters
  • Each family member shall be responsible for their own belongings including picking up, putting away and their whereabouts (includes any items such as video games, clothing, shoes, school bags/work, etc.)
  • Each family member shall be accountable for completing his or her chores, homework and other responsibilities on time, as defined on the Chore Chart.
  • No television or video games shall be allowed until all daily chores and responsibilities have been completed.
  • Chore Chart shall be reviewed at each weekly family meeting to assess performance by each individual.

Rewards

One week without a Drop:
  • Full allowance to be paid Sunday evening (Sean- $11.00; Liam- $9.00, Bailey - $9.00).

Two consecutive weeks without a Drop
  • Full allowance; and
  • Sleepover with friend at our house or theirs.

Eight consecutive weeks without a Drop
  • Full allowance; and
  • Choice of family activity.

Consequences


One Drop during a week
  • Loss of ½ of allowance.

Two or more Drops during a week
  • Loss of entire allowance.

More than two Drops
  • Loss of television and video games for one day for each additional Drop.

SECTION 2.3. PROPERTY.

Purpose:

To harmoniously enjoy shared property and dutifully respect other people’s
possessions.

Rules & Parameters

  • Shared Property shall include all televisions, gaming systems, sports equipment, and any other property not specifically received or purchase individually. Each family member shall have equal opportunity to use Shared Property.
  • Personal Property shall include gifts received or purchases made by an individual, except as described above. Although encouraged to share, each family shall have the exclusive right to their own Personal Property.
  • Taking Turns: If a family member desires to use a television or video game that is currently in use by another, he must issue a “25 Minute Warning” by giving verbal notice and setting a timer for 25 minutes.
  • Current User shall give up control of television or video game immediately when timer sounds.

Consequences
• Each Property Ding shall result in a one-day Screen Time suspension.

SECTION 2.4. SCREEN TIME.

Purpose

To encourage active lifestyle and healthy hobbies by limiting video game time to
approximately one hour per and tv time to one hour per day during school week and three hours Screen Time per day on 1weekends.

Rules & Parameters

• Screen Time Restrictions
- No Screen Time shall be allowed during weekday mornings.
- During weekday evenings, Screen Time shall be allowed only after all homework and chores are complete. Video games will be limited to one hour per evening and then TV.

• Unless restricted or otherwise stated, Sean, Liam & Bailey shall be allowed Screen Time. However, at any time, Mom or Dad can provide verbal warning that Screen Time is ending and set a timer for 25 minutes.
- Screen Time shall cease immediately when the timer sounds.
- If Screen Time must end sooner for any reason (i.e. bad sportsmanship or schedule constraints), Sean, Liam & Bailey shall comply without complaint.
• If unusual circumstances cause Screen Time to be lesser or greater than target, Mom or Dad may adjust Screen Time allowed in subsequent days.

Consequences

• Each Screen Time Ding shall result in a one-day Screen Time suspension.

SECTION 2.5. BEDTIME.

Purpose

To develop healthy sleep habits.

Rules & Parameters

• Sean, Liam & Bailey shall be individually responsible for being ready for bed, including brushed teeth, by their assigned bed time (9:30 pm on school nights, earlier if behavior dictates)
• If circumstances require Sean, Liam or Bailey to stay up past their bed time, each shall be prepared for bed within 15 minutes of arriving home or warning from Mom or Dad.

Rewards

• If Sean, Liam & Bailey make it to bed on time each night between Sunday and Thursday, then he can stay up until 10:00pm on Friday and Saturday night.

Consequences

• Each Bedtime Ding shall result in a bedtime thirty minutes earlier the following night.

SECTION 2.6. MEALS & NUTRITION.

Purpose

To develop good eating habits, simplify meal preparation, and encourage selfsufficiency.

Rules & Parameters

Breakfast and Snacks

• Sean, Liam & Bailey shall be responsible for preparing their own breakfasts and snacks, unless Mom or Dad offers.
• Sean, Liam & Bailey are required to eat breakfast and a snack afterschool without argument
• No meals or snacks requiring preparation shall be allowed within twenty
minutes of scheduled exit time (such as bedtime or leaving for school).

Dinner & Dessert
• Each family member shall choose one dinner meal per week.
• In order to qualify, a meal must:
- Be reasonably healthy and easy to prepare.
- Include at least one vegetable.
- Receive approval by at least one other person.
• If someone chooses not to eat a prepared dinner, he or she can prepare an alternative meal for themselves (i.e bread & butter, left-overs, etc.).
• Dessert or evening snack shall be available only to kids who eat enough dinner, as determined by Mom or Dad.

SECTION 2.7. FRIENDS & VISITORS.

Purpose

To minimize arguments, encourage healthy friendships, and create a pleasant
environment for visitors.

Rules & Parameters

Privacy
• If someone visits Sean, Liam or Bailey, the other brother shall allow them to play alone, if requested to do so.
• If a visitor does not come specifically to see Sean, Liam or Bailey, then all shall be allowed to play.

Responsibility
• Each family member shall be responsible for ensuring that their visitors respect house rules.
• If a visitor breaks a rule, Sean, Liam or Bailey shall tell him or her to stop immediately. If the behavior continues, he shall tell Mom or Dad.

Visiting & Hanging Out
• No visitors shall be allowed in the house when Mom and Dad are both gone.
• Sean, Liam or Bailey shall not be allowed to “hang out” with friends that both Mom and Dad consider unacceptable because of age, attitude or behavior.

Consequences

• Each Friends and Visitors Ding shall result in a one-day Screen Time suspension and no playing with the visitor for seven days.

SECTION 2.8. PERSONAL HYGIENE

Purpose

To promote health and cleanliness.

Rules & Parameters

• Sean, Liam and Bailey shall each be responsible for getting himself dressed in clean clothes that are appropriate for the weather and activity every day.
• Sean, Liam and Bailey shall shower every morning before school or the night before and following any sporting events such as football, soccer or basketball practice.

Consequences

• First Personal Hygiene Ding shall result in a warning.
• Each Personal Hygiene Ding thereafter shall result in a one-day Screen Time suspension.

Article III. Process and Authority.

SECTION 3.1. AMENDMENTS.

Mom and Dad must both approve each amendment to the Family Constitution before it can take effect.

Routine Amendments can be proposed, considered and approved during any weekly Family Meeting.

Annual Amendments shall be completed prior to the beginning of each new school year. During the process, each family member shall help identify and resolve important upcoming issues (i.e. driver’s license) for the year.

SECTION 3.2. RATIFICATION.

The Ratification of the XYZ Family Constitution shall occur upon the understanding and signature of all Members of the XYZ Family.

On this ___ day of _______ , We the Members of the XYZ Family hereby
ratify the Family Constitution of 2009.



Monday, August 17, 2009

Our Family Experiment - Prelude to Chapter 2

Okay, so it took about a week, but I think I have finished the Family Constitution. I took the example that was given and can be found at http://www.yourfamilyconstitution.com/wp-content/uploads/gale-fc.pdf and changed it a little for our family. If anyone has any ideas on things to add, please please share them with me. I already need to change ours a little after realizing that the TV was on in the playroom when no one is home and that the playroom looks like a bomb went off and again, no one is home (um, maybe things need to be picked up before they leave...) Our family meeting is tonight and I am so excited to see how this goes. I did a little test of my own today as they were all arguing about going to the pool with the our nanny (seriously? fine, you guys do my job and I'll go to the pool). I didn't give in to their childish ways by sinking down to their level. I simply told them that this is what is expected of them and this is what the consequences would be if they didn't behave. No yelling, just exerting my authority that I often forget I should have. And while they might not all have been pleased (which is an understatement by the way - picture eyes rolling, dirty looks and body language that could be read as though I just killed their dog), they did not argue with me and they all got in the car. I will share more after our meeting as well as our final Family Constitution...

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Our Family Experiment - Chapter 1

First let me say that I am a rule follower, a list builder and a big fan of structure. I am constantly reminded in my own life that if I have a goal without a plan, I rarely follow it. When I say I am going to start working out, if I don't make a calendar with what I am going to do each day I typically find excuses not to go. If I want to start eating healthier, but don't put any rules into place, a cheat or two finds me slipping back into my old bad eating habits. I think that the idea of structure and rules especially holds true for children and families.

I am as guilty as it gets about not sticking to my plans when it comes to our family. I have experimented with rule lists, chore lists, what is a right vs. a privilege and so on. It always works for a week or so and when things are going well that is when I start to slack. Inevitably when I do not consistently enforce the new system, we slip right back into our chaotic, selfish existence.

The other day, we were having a great day at the beach. The boys were swimming, playing in the waves and all having fun together. I was relaxing and thinking, wow - this is great! Of course, my first mistake was to let my guard down and think the bliss would continue all day. They are of course kids, who exhibit little control when it comes to their emotions. I won't go into details but let me just say I had one crying kid, laying face down in the sand and one angry kid for being punished not only for said incident but also for talking back. Eventually the situation worked itself out and our happy day in the waves continued. This one episode alone was not enough to make me take action, but it was, at they say, the straw that broke the camel's back.

It made me take notice of something I had known for a while - my family was out of control. And it was mostly the adults' fault, yes - me and my husband. I cannot blame the kids, they are kids. They are by definition, young and impressionable and in need of our guidance in life to grow up to become generous, kind and productive adults. They are old enough to know right from wrong, but won't be able for like 10 years to put those facts into action. As I drove to work the following day, I outlined in my head the 4 things I wanted to teach my children: Respect, Responsibility, Independence and Consequences.

In the middle of trying to get all my work done, I started researching how to instill those four fundamentals into my kids' lives. I came across this site, http://www.yourfamilyconstitution.com/wp-content/uploads/sneak-preview_your-family-constitution.pdf where author and father Scott Gale discussed his Black Sunday and the realization that something had to change for things to get better. First let me say that if you have a family, you need to read this excerpt. Unless you lead a model existence (and good for you if you do), you will be able to identify with his story. I read it myself and said, OMG - this is us! I made my husband read it too and we both agreed to try the tactics that Scott had suggested, a family constitution.

So begins our family experiment. I truly believe that there is a better way for our family to live. I am tired of yelling without anything changing and I know my kids are too. But not only that, I am afraid that I am not giving them the skills they need to grow up to be successful adults. I am currently working on our family constitution, will consult with my husband and then hold a family meeting when we can get everyone together (which probably won't be until Monday night after football practice). I am happy to share our experiences as we go through the process. Maybe this will inspire your family to try it, maybe it will make you feel like your family already has it going pretty good, or maybe it will just make you laugh. But either way, I hope you enjoy our journey.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Will Someone Please Pay Me For This?

I am currently stealing a quick moment away from my busy life to write this blog. I wish that I had more time to blog, at lease once a day if not more but I just can't find the precious time I need. I wish that someone would pay me to write, not because I have any formal training or even because I think its worth money, but because I really enjoy it. And I think we all strive to get paid for doing something that we love. Unfortunately, we have bills that need to be paid and I am worth more money as a sales person than as a writer so please understand that my blogs may be few and far between but I hope that you enjoy them nonetheless.

Some people blog very well about their daily lives, which I think is great. Me, I am more of a topic blogger - ideas come to me and I try to add my perspective to the topic. I currently have 13 posts sitting in limbo in various stages of readiness. All were great ideas that I didn't want to lose so I recorded the thought as a draft.

Here's to hoping that I might get them done soon. Who knew you could blog about blogging...

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Mission Organization

If you know me at all, you will know that I am a complete lunatic when it comes to organization. I try to be organized in everything I do. Some of it came out of necessity as I have misplaced important things or missed important deadlines, some of it is hereditary (hate to admit it but I have grown up to be like my mother) and some it just because I like it. Okay, maybe like is a little bit soft, I am obsessed, consumed with it. My life is as full as it gets with 4 kids (all boys) who play different sports in different towns, a full time job, a toddler and a husband who has a lot of hobbies (I am either a golf widow or hockey widow depending on the season). If I wasn't organized I might spend most days in bed, under the covers feeling completely overwhelmed.

This is not to say that I am successfully organized all the time, which as you might imagine makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Now, if it was just me, living alone in my beautiful house, it would be perfectly decorated, cleaned and organized all the time. Better Home and Gardens could stop by anytime unannounced and get their cover shot. But alas, I have four boys and a husband who do not share my love of cleanliness. In fact, if I did not point out the mess, they might never see it (opting to walk over their school bag left in the middle of the kitchen floor instead of picking it up). And if I should actually get them to clean or pick up, I admit that it isn't the way I would do it and I end up fixing it anyway.

My ultimate goal it to have my house picked up and organized perpetually which I was successful at for a couple weeks, and then school started. Now it's true that the kids aren't around as much as they were in the summer, but when they are home they are always in a rush to get somewhere else. This is when the tornado hits. Things are thrown everywhere - dirty clothes on my kitchen island, shoes in the dining room, school bags right where I can trip on them. And then the questions begin, "where is my ---- (insert something they are sure they can't live without but apparently not important enough to keep tabs on it cause that is my job)?" While I think I'm funny by saying, "I don't know, it's not mine." They do not share my amusement and are less than enthusiastic about going to look for it. So instead of taking the five minutes to actually find it, they would rather incite a riot by yelling, screaming and insisting I get it. I am a stubborn woman and this typically doesn't work out in their favor and they end up 20 minutes late for wherever they need to be, which of course is also my fault.

And it's not just our living space, it's our entire lives. There are school functions, homework assignments, sporting events and practice for two different sports, 3 fundraisers per kids at the same time and "is their favorite pair of jeans clean"(the ones that look exactly like the 4 others in their drawer) to keep track of. Add my full time job and multiply that by three tweens, a 20 month old and a husband. Seriously?!

So, while my goal might be lofty, I just can't give up. I read somewhere that the reason clutter stresses me out is because it makes me feel out of control. The longer I look at the mess, the more anxious I get. So now I know why (in addition to the lost time and arguments over where everything is and why can't anyone else pick up after themselves), what I need to figure out how - how to make it better. I am tired of yelling, of talking to myself and of wanting to pretty kill my entire family three times a day. I figure I must start with a clean slate, which might take me a while. My short term goal is to de-clutter my house with the motto "a place for everything and everything in its place." Then 15 minutes before bed and school every day, I will mandate a pick up time, my husband included. I am sure this will not be something my family takes on with open arms, but what the hell - it will make me happy. Maybe it will even leave me some time to make lunches the night before, yeah right!

Friday, June 12, 2009

True Friendship, like love, should be unconditional

In honor of Friendship week, I wrote this one a while back but I think it's worth a re-post...love to all my friends who have touched my life and made me who I am today. Thank you for your constant support and laughter that helps me get through the day, including my husband who is truly my best friend...(please share with all your friends as well)...

I think that women more than men, feel defined by their relationships - with their families, their significant others and especially their girlfriends. What would we be as women without our girlfriends? Since we were little we relied on our girlfriends when the rest of the world was against us. Whether our parents were being unreasonable, our siblings were being mean and of course the boy we loved had just broken our heart, our girlfriends were there to cry with us, listen to us talk about it for hours and tell us how amazing we were no matter what. They were the only ones who really "got" us, who laughed with us till we cried and who kept all of our secrets. At times, they were the most important people in our lives hands down. Then we got older, got married and had kids. And while there are now others to compete for that honor, we still need our girlfriends as much as ever. Life as a wife and mother can be challenging to say the least and sometimes just talking to our girlfriends can help talk us off the ledge and face another day.

By the time you reach my age, if you have chosen your friends wisely and always tried to be a good friend in return, you will probably have 4-5 truly good friends. Some you will have been friends with since you were 3, some you met in high school or college and if you are really lucky, some you met that share your daily life. When I look back on the friends I have that I consider my closest friends, some things ring true for each relationship.

First, it hasn't always been easy. As in any good relationship, there are ups and downs. And when it comes to girls, things can get pretty dicey. We have had our run-ins about guys, secrets and other friends. We have had times when we weren't that close and wondered if we would find our way back. We have had moments when we felt betrayed and times when we felt ashamed for having been the one to betray. But a true friendship makes it through the storm and comes out stronger on the other side.

Second, it is unconditional. No one is perfect and nobody knows that better than our friends. But that is why they love us so much. We can be crazy, emotional, even needy and our girlfriends will step up and love us anyway. In fact, that is why our friends love us - for all the quirky things that make us who we are. They love us when we do questionable things and they love us when we have no make-up on. And the best part is that they understand us in a way that our others never could.

Third, and perhaps most important - They make our life better by being part of it. A friend is a true friend if their friendship adds value to our life. Think about that for a second. There are people who have come and gone and who have just taken up space in our lives. People who have taken and never given back. People who make us question our value or try to make us feel bad about ourselves so they feel better. As we get older we realize that we just don't have time or energy for those people anymore which in turn leaves more room for our true friends. A true friend should know how to make you laugh through the tears. She should make you chicken soup when you are sick or tell you look great in those new jeans. She should be the one you know you can count on on your darkest day without question. After all, she is the one for whom you would walk to hell and back.

True friends are a blessing. I love my friends and am happy to give to them in any way I can because they make my life better. I hope that as you read this, you are lucky to have good friends like I have in your life.

(Okay, forgot that one made me cry a little...)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Kids Will Surprise You (a follow up to I Don't Know, It's Not Mine)

First let me say that I woke up this past Saturday morning with the realization that all of my laundry was actually done; as in washed, dried, folded and put away (which I never thought was possible) and my house was clean and picked up. Amazing, I know! (Don't be too jealous, it lasted for all of about an hour.) I tell you this because it actually offered favorable conditions to begin my delegation of laundry duties to the rest of my family.

Now if you didn't read my previous blog titled, "I Don't Know, It's Not Mine," let me catch you up a bit. In a nutshell, I have 3 sons between the ages of 8 and 11, all of whom believe that I should not only know where everything is, but also take care of all the mundane chores associated with their lives. Like a fool, I had gone along with this for much too long and decided one day that I had had enough. I decided then and there that I was going to start to delegate (which is a scary word for me because, as my husband will attest, I am a complete control freak), starting with the laundry.

I have bright, active boys and I was very confident that they could handle doing their own laundry (although not sure they would agree). Not only would this free up some of my time, but it would also introduce them to some responsibility, teach them a very useful life skill, and stop the very annoying question "Mom, where is my ____ (insert anything and everything that they can't find that in no way whatsoever belongs to me)?"

I started my experiment with my 8 1/2 year old son because he was actually excited about this chore. Why I have no idea, but he thought doing the laundry would be fun and so he became my first guinea pig. Now I am not sure he realized just what the laundry entailed, and seemed a bit surprised when I had him bring down his dirty laundry from his 3rd floor bedroom. But after that initial scare, it seemed to go pretty well. He had no problem loading the washer, moving to the dryer and then putting the clean laundry into a basket.

And then came the folding. As I watched him invent new ways to fold t-shirts, I had to stop myself from showing him the "right" way to do it. My stepson (who was actually helping my son fold the laundry - who knew this chore could also encourage cooperation) had to remind me a couple times that there was more than one way to fold laundry. And he was right, it didn't really matter how he folded them, as long as he did in such a way that they would not end up wrinkled. Even I was learning something in this process.

After the folding, he carried the very heavy basket up 3 flights of stairs and proceeded to put them away, which he did need a little help with because he drawers were already pretty full. All is all, kid number one was successful. Kid number 2 and 3 (my stepsons) were also very good about their new chore. I had to actually remind them where they were in the process, but no one actually argued with me even once. And to reinforce their positive behavior, I handed them their allowance on Sunday afternoon in real actual cash (and then of course reminded them that this money was now their responsibility and we will not answer any questions about where their money might be or entertain the possibility that our cleaning lady stole it from them).

So in the end, my children dove right into their new chore. They did a great job, didn't complain once and even taught me a thing or two. I figure I will give this a couple months to become habit and then delegate something new. Who knows, in a couple years I might find myself with some free time.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

If Baby Ain't Happy...

So I know the original saying goes, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy," but most of us mothers would agree that when the kids are happy, especially the babies, life is much easier. Unfortunately, my 15 month old has a problem sleeping through the night that keeps both my husband and I tired and grumpy. The other night, around 3:30 am, our little cherub woke up and started calling for dad. Yes, he calls for dad which puts a little smile on my face as I nudge my husband and say, "honey, the baby wants you." Like a trooper, my honey gets up to change and feed the baby (yes, I know that he is 15 months old and definitely doesn't need a bottle in the middle of the night, but it gets him back to sleep and really at 3 am that is all that matters). Much to my dismay however, I heard my husband fumbling around in the dresser which meant that the baby had wet through his jammies. I nicely got up and offered an assist by changing the crib sheets and finding clean pjs (which were not actually in the dresser, but downstairs and in one of about 5 laundry baskets that I had to fumble through in the dark because I never ever get to actually putting away the laundry). After both collapsing in bed 30 minutes later, baby sleeping soundly, now 4 am, neither of us could fall asleep. While I lay there, tossing and turning, thinking about all the things I had to do tomorrow (uh, um - today), my husband went downstairs to watch a little TV. I must have eventually fallen asleep because I was actually startled when my alarm went off at that the insane hour of 5 am. And so my day began and I actually made it through.

Knowing what to do with your baby as he turns into a toddler is a daunting task. This is my second so it should in theory be easy. However, my first is now almost 9 years old and I am starting to realize that as terrible as it sounds, I don't really remember the milestones a good mother is suppose to memorize. I know about when he gave up breastfeeding, the age he was potty trained and when he started to walk. But I don't know the actual dates and honestly have no idea what his first word was (unless you count Hoot Hoot). So as we move into this new phase of my youngest's life, I have been consulting websites, books, and of course, other moms.

The sleeping through the night one is hard. I know why he wakes up, because his diaper is so wet it soaks through his clothes and makes him cold and wet. And I know why he is so soaked, because he downs 8 ounces from his bottle right before he goes to sleep. The hard part is getting rid of the bottle. So I have done all my research to see how to "ca bosh" the bottle habit. Most things I have read talk about introducing the sippy cup - yeah done that. All day long he drinks juice (yes I know, any good mother knows that juice is the devil - but again it keeps him happy so I am all for it) out of his cup and even through a straw, which I have been told is very advanced. Its not that he has to have a bottle all the time, just at bedtime. We have even tried giving him half a bottle, but the battle that ensues almost always gets me to bust out the other half. So what is a girl to do?

I have read to replace it with water and that since what is in the bottle is undesirable, he will eventually stop asking for it. Yeah right! Two sips of that bad boy and the protest again starts that could rival the best temper tantrums out there. I guess it goes back to the age old question of just letting him cry it out or not. Unfortunately, my kid is the one who will bang on the wall until you come back, turn the lights on and off so that someone outside might think we are trying to send an SOS, and cry so hard he throws up. He will not lay down or even sit down, he will stay standing in his crib for hours if we let him and the last time I checked its pretty tricky to fall asleep standing up.

My new theory was that if I started giving him just one ounce less a night for a couple weeks we would have him down to a manageable amount that wouldn't induce "peeing like a racehorse" every night. So I started off 3 nights ago with 7 ounces and miracle of miracle, he did in fact sleep through the night. He was still wet when he woke up, but somehow that wasn't until 6 am. And as luck would have it, he has followed suit for the last two nights as well. Now do I think one ounce was the magic number - hell no! I am not that good. But whatever has happened, happened just in time to save our sanity and give us a little rest so that when the old patterns revert, as they always do, we can handle it just a little bit better. Sometimes the mysteries of parenthood work in our favor and when they do - do not ask why or how, just enjoy it!

Friday, April 17, 2009

I Don't Know, It's Not Mine

There comes a time in every boy's life when they need to start taking responsibility for their own things. Today is that day for my boys, my husband included. Ladies, I am sure you will agree with me that at some point, knowing everything is only a burden. I am tired of everyone asking me where their stuff is. I used to roll my eyes, protest in silence and get it for them. Then I started protesting out loud but still telling them where there could probably find it. This only led to more wasted time as of course they could never find it and I would still have to go get it. And yes, it would always be right where I said it would be. Recently, when I was asked, "honey, where is my..." I replied, "I don't know, it's not mine." This is my story and I am sticking to it.

When I proclaimed to my husband that I was sick of knowing where everything was, he reminded me that it was because I was the one who put it away. Thanks for bringing that to light honey. Right then and there I decided that my family would be doing their own laundry from now on. Of course this may not actually work in the real world, but in theory it sounds fabulous. No longer will I be responsible for making sure their favorite jeans are clean or that they have clean underwear. No longer will I spend hours upon hours washing, drying, folding and putting away everyone's laundry, God knows no one is doing my laundry for me. Maybe I will be able to finish a blog in one sitting instead of a couple minutes here and there over three weeks.


I got to thinking that my kids could figure out the most intricate video games. They can figure out how to put all their football pads on and remember where all the NBA players went to college. They can certainly take on some more responsibilities. Its like running a business, you must deligate. And so tonight I begin deligating starting with having my husband put all the soccer uniforms together for tomorrow morning's game, of course I had to tell him where everything was, but you have to start somewhere.

Monday, March 30, 2009

In Praise of Going Backwards

As a little girl, I dreamed about meeting my prince charming and living happily ever after. Most little girls have this impossible dream thanks to every cartoon ever made. We dress them up in princess gowns and put tiaras on their heads and tell them how beautiful they are. The problem is that we keep this dream as we grow up and when happily ever after has come and gone, we feel like failures. For some reason, we all believe that there is a right way to do things. You meet your soul mate, get married, buy a house, have kids and grow old together. I, however, have never done things "the right way" and for a long time I thought I was missing out on something.

When I was pregnant with my first son, it was a surprise (ie. it wasn't planned). I walked around with a growing belly and no wedding ring. And while a lot of women take their rings off as their fingers swell, I was convinced that people knew when they looked at me that I was a single mom. While most people gets hugs and congratulations, I got, "what are you going to do?" My family and friends threw me a baby shower, but there was no father to help load the gifts into the car or put together the crib and it made me sad. I wasn't sad that the real father wasn't involved because it was probably for the best. I was sad that there wasn't a father involved. I was sad that I was going through it on my own, without the other half of the "fairy-tale" equation I always dreamed of having. On the up side I didn't have to share my son with anyone. I could give him whatever I wanted and discipline him however I saw fit. Being a single parent wasn't easy, but it did made me stronger in a way that I couldn't understand at the time.

So first I had my son, and then I bought my first home. Again, I did this all by myself. While this was definitely empowering, it still wasn't the way it was suppose to be. I went to bed alone every night and woke up alone every morning. There was one car parked in the driveway and I was the only one there to take out the trash. I loved my first house and because of it I learned how to use a drill, hang curtains and mow the lawn. It too made me stronger, but again, I couldn't really appreciate it.

And then I finally met my prince charming. But instead of focusing on being thankful for finding him (which I truly was), I focused on how it had happened all wrong. And when he finally moved in and I finally had my "family" it still wasn't right. We weren't married and I didn't even have a ring. I was obsessed with having a diamond on my finger as if somehow that gave me worth. Everywhere I went I would look at woman's hands and wonder what made them so special that someone gave them a ring. I would ask myself why wasn't I that special and why couldn't I have done things the right way.

What is it about society that tells us that we need that diamond ring to be of value as a woman? Who decided that there is a right way to do things and why the hell did they have to tell me?

And then I got my ring and it finally happened, I stopped wondering why and started focusing on how - how lucky I truly was. Unfortunately, it took me a silly (but beautiful) piece of jewelry to see what I had all along. I had this amazing man who loved me even though I had done it all wrong. He loved my son as if he was his own. He made me laugh and he truly was (and is) my best friend. I love coming home to him every night and would spend every moment with him if given the chance. He is a fantastic husband and even better father and I am thankful every day for him.

So my journey wasn't the way I had planned and it wasn't the way I thought it was suppose to go. But looking back I realize that my detours in life are the reason I am so happy today.
Through my travels, I discovered the things that make me happy in life and in a mate. And I learned not to settle because at the end of the day it makes everyone miserable and live is just too short. I know that my husband is everything I want and I will never have to second guess if there is someone out there who is a better fit for me.

I also learned that in order to be happy, you just have to be yourself. I spent so much time trying to figure out what other people wanted me to be that I lost myself in the process. So I never played those games with my husband. I have fully disclosed who I am with him since the beginning, skeletons and all. Lying about who you are and what you have done is just too much work and can cause a lot of stress. Being honest is truly the most freeing thing you can do.

So it turns out that doing things the wrong way turned out to be the right way for me. Life lessons are very powerful should you choose to learn from them. My husband and I know how lucky we are to have found someone that we honestly enjoy being with more each day. Life is too short to not be happy. The trick is not only figuring out the things in life that make you happy (which can be difficult enough by itself and usually comes from figuring out what makes you unhappy), but also making decisions that invite that happiness into your life every day.















Friday, March 27, 2009

The Battle of the Sexes

One Friday, a couple weeks ago, I had one of "those mornings." You know the ones where you are running late, the baby cries when you put him down, the 8 year old cries because his video game got shut off, the husband picks a fight with the 8 year old and you are left to pick up the pieces, get everyone to school on time (after first explaining why they actually do need to go to school and that no, being sad about a video game does not warrant a sick day) and somehow get to work on time. And as I was finally enjoying my morning drive, thoughts about the morning episode started to creep into my precious alone time.

My thoughts seemed to focus on how can men and women can be so different. Honestly, no woman I know would fight with an 8 year old about a video game on a school morning - just let it go and get the hell out of the house. I love my husband, I truly do and I am very lucky because I consider him my best friend. But every now and then, the thought creeps in that my best girl friend would never do that. For example, the other night my husband was sitting in his recliner, watching basketball and playing on Facebook. It was 10 pm (way past my bedtime) and there I was, still folding laundry. He looked at me, completely serious, and asked me if I could get him a snack. Seriously?! This is when I think, "my girl-friends would never do that!"



So what exactly makes men and women so different? Who knows, definitely not me. They say it actually has to do with the way our brains work. I am not sure if I'm buying that, but now the mother to 4 boys I am reluctantly starting to agree. Like most females, I spent most of my life until now (and including now) living in frustration with the male gender. And most of you ladies will agree, they just don't get it. I was thoroughly convinced that they were all doing it on purpose to drive me crazy. Doing what you ask - everything! They were ignoring me, not returning my calls (or even avoiding them), making a mess, being gross, being immature, anything and everything opposite of me and my girlfriends - as if somehow they had a choice to be like them or to be like us.

And then I had my son.

When I found out I was having a boy, my first thought was what am I going to do with a boy? I don't even know how to handle the grown up ones, never mind the baby ones...as if a little alien was about to move in. Fast forward nine years, four boys and a husband later and I am still baffled most of the time. While I have learned to predict my boys' behaviors and have learned to co-exist better with them, I still wouldn't say I understand them. Why, for example, do they refuse to share their feelings? When guys are upset about something, regardless of whether they are 8 or 4o, they don't voluntarily share. Brooding is the best way I can explain it. They become quiet and grumpy and get mad about something stupid like what show you are watching on tv. And even when you ask, they won't admit that anything is wrong. So finally, 3 days and many fights later they will finally admit what is wrong - talk about wasting time. We girls will tell everyone who will listen what is wrong with-in seconds of the injustice. We will phone our friends, post it on Facebook and use it as a good excuse to drink a bottle of wine (as if we need one). And in an hour or so we will start to feel better - talk about saving time!

I should have known something was up when I took my first son to the playground when he was two. I can still picture it like it was yesterday. The swings and slides could not compare to the cars whizzing by on the other side of the chain-linked fence. I think he stood there for 30 minutes, his little hands holding onto the fence, just watching the cars go by with a huge smile on his face. Thirty minutes is along time for a two year old to stand still for anything, never mind something as boring as that. I guess that makes me a girl. So it turns out that the stereotypes mostly hold true that little boys like trucks, balls and destroying things while little girls like dolls, dressing up and tea-parties.

So where does that leave us? Pretty much right where we started, literally. We are born different, raised different and end up different. The trick is learning how to live with each other and try to appreciate those differences especially in moments of shear frustration. I can definitely appreciate the simplicity that men offer; usually what you see is what you get. I wish I could learn how to incorporate that outlook into my life a little bit more, as long as they would try to clean up the mess they swear they don't even see - just once!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Toughest Job You Will Ever Love

It's hard sometimes to define yourself as one thing. Like most women I know, I am a mother, a daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend, and more. All of these relationships bring their own set of rules and challenges and baggage. Sometimes it's hard to juggle all the personas and all the stuff that comes with each one; asking us to switch roles maybe 10 times in a day. I have become good at morphing to fit the image of what's expected with each role, a chameleon of sorts. Let's face it, we all act differently with each of our friends, our kids, our bosses, our mothers, our husbands and somehow we manage to keep everyone more or less happy. It can definitely take its emotional toll on us, wanting just once to have nothing expected of us. But we do it, as if second nature, cause that is who we are. For me however, there is one label where the rules are fuzzy and constantly changing, leaving me to wonder “how in the world do I ever get good at this?” That is my role as a stepmother.

First, let me explain how I have tried to step-parent. As the mother of two of my own children, I decided to simply be a mom. There are rules in our house that should be followed and consequences should they be ignored. I have tried hard not to play favorites, although inevitably not everyone agrees that I have been successful on that particular endeavor. I care about all four of my boys and try always to put their needs first. However, sometimes I feel that I care more than I have the right to. After all, I have no legal rights to these boys. I am not their guardian and, god forbid, should my husband die I may never see them again. My opinion on matters relating to my stepsons is just that, an opinion. And while I’d like to think that my husband and I make decisions as a team, they are still his kids. So I am stuck in this awkward, emotionally draining place where I am expected to act like their mother (doing their laundry, making their meals, driving them to football, asking how their day was, caring and loving them) but I am given none of the rights of being a parent to them. It’s a lonely road that I don’t even think my husband gets most of the time.

Now if my struggle internally was all I had to deal with, maybe I could get better at pretending it was easy. But it is dealing with all the other “relationships” that leave me flabbergasted. First, there is the obvious relationship with my two stepsons. I am not their mother so who gives me the right to tell them what to do. Plus, I am the reason their parents aren't together anymore, right? While neither is true, it’s hard to explain the intricacies of the situation to a child, especially when you don't really get them yourself. I love my stepsons. I love them as much as my own children and sometimes I think I love them more; I would have to. With our own children there is an instant bond that goes deeper than anything I knew could exist. It’s the reason you can stare at them in wonder for hours or why, when they are first born, it’s hard to distinguish where they leave off and you begin. It’s also the reason that my older son has lived to be 8 years old. It’s called unconditional love and its one of the great mysteries of life. I will love my sons no matter what, forever. I will also always love my stepsons, but this love is more of a work in progress, a reminder I offer myself each time one of them challenges me, and a promise I make every day. What it comes down to is hard work; it takes a lot more work to love my stepsons. And I am willing to work as hard as it takes. This sentiment, however, is often lost on the children. If you think being a parent is a thankless job, try being a step-parent.

This role also leaves my relationship with their father, my husband, in a fuzzy place when it comes to his children. I love my husband. I consider him my best friend because I can be myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and most of the time he actually likes me. I never have to pretend to be anything but me; except, that is, for when it comes to my stepsons. The gray area surrounding my thoughts on his 2 boys is murky at best and hard to navigate. This is the only time in which I am very careful to choose my words with him and even then it never comes out right. Much like the way we all take advice about our children from well meaning “outsiders,” sometimes he smiles politely and brushes me off, other times he flat out tells me to mind my own business. To me however, they are part of our family and therefore, they are my business. Do I blame him for feeling this way? Never, I get it. But I wish he would get where I am coming from too. I love those boys as if they were my own and I wish that at least he would take that into consideration even if the law doesn’t.

There is the obvious relationship with the ex-wife. I try to stay out of this one as much as possible. I am cordial in person and even try to see where she is coming from on occasion. And in turn, she smiles and pretends she doesn’t hate my guts. I am very conscience of what I say in front of the children and always make sure they respect their mother. I won’t begin to pretend that I know how she feels or what she is going through. But obviously she can put additional stress on my relationship with my stepsons and sometimes my husband. I still hope that someday we can all move past our petty differences and act like adults, especially when it’s in the best interest of the children. But it’s been over five years now so maybe that is too much to ask given the emotional depth of the whole situation.

At the end of the day, even with all of the frustrations and second-guessing that comes with being a stepmother, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love my stepsons and I love our family. They have enriched my life in ways I never planned and given my boys the bond of brotherhood that will last their lifetime. I will continue to fight for what I think is best for them, even if no one thinks my opinion matters because that is what you do for the people you love. I hope that they will grow up knowing that I love them and feeling that we have created a happy, safe place that they can call home.

Friday, March 20, 2009

This Mom's Take on Going Green

I am a thirty-something mom who thinks I am pretty cool and whose kids aren’t old enough yet to disagree with me. However, trendy is not a word I would use to describe myself. Let’s face it, the mini skirts and high heels that an 18 year old can pull off would look down right ridiculous as I chase after my 13 month old who just learned to walk, not to mention dangerous for me (I could twist an ankle or something). I don’t have time to worry about the latest hairdo or make my eyes look “smoky” if that is even in anymore. Hell, I don't even put on make up some days, and I'm talking work days. So while most of us moms past the age of 30 might not consider ourselves trendy, we might want to think again.

One of the biggest trends to hit in the last couple of years by far is to "go green." Okay you say, but this trend isn’t self indulgent and just for show – but isn’t it? Old habits die hard, and if you are used to keeping up with the Joneses then I know you have tried this particular aforementioned “trend.”

I am guilty of watching Oprah one day as she discussed the waste that one person can leave behind. She talked about alternatives to paper napkins, paper towels, leaving your computer on and cell phones plugged in. She even challenged a few families to a week without waste. They both came out of it better for the experience; a happier and closer family; and vowed to keep it going long after the week was over. My first thought was “I can do that!”

And so my own experiment began. I went right out and bought cloth napkins, more kitchen towels and the reusable bags they sell at the grocery stores. We changed light bulbs and turned off our computers and stopped using paper plates. I felt great knowing that I was doing something good for the environment and after all, Oprah made me feel like it was the cool thing to do. So, am I still doing it? Hell no!

While the family grumbled a little bit about the changes, it was really me who ended up feeling the brunt of the experiment. Cloth napkins and towels meant more laundry and more often – can’t be stuck with a spill and no clean towels. It meant doing more dishes as I wasn’t aloud to buy paper plates or cups anymore. I was never very good about turning off the television because I love sitting down at night and watching TV. Not to mention that I don’t have the death wish associated with making the kids give up their video games. And let’s face it, it keeps them entertained. And when my newborn son came along, I did toy with the idea of cloth diapers, but there was no way that idea was going to fly in my house. So I tried the next best thing and I bought “natural” diapers at Wholefoods. And this too lasted exactly one package of diapers in which time we experienced some pretty serious leaks and the pain in the ass of having to go to a special store to get them. And those great reusable bags for the grocery store? I had used them exactly once. They were still sitting in my pantry where I put them after my first shopping trip because I either bought groceries online (and as much as I protest, they bring all my groceries in plastic bags – and since they deliver I will continue to look the other way) or I completely forgot about them until I was at the check out.

Now I am still a big proponent of recycling and I try to recycle everything I can get my hands on. But again, they come to my house to pick it up and it doesn’t cost me anything. So, to sum up this experiment – as with most trends, it cost more time and money for me to “go green” than I have either of. And I started wondering if the energy and water I was using to wash everything might be outweighing or at least equaling the paper waste. Not to mention all the extra gas and emissions from me driving all over the place to find stores that carried the special “green” products. So while it might be the cool thing to do (and I know, good for the planet and all that), I am just too tired, busy and poor to be politically or environmentally correct on this one.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Our love hate relationship with our husbands

The other day I came across an article in Parenting Magazine entitled "Mad at Dad, We love our husbands -- so why are we so angry at them, so often?" So I sat there and read the 3 page article with bated breath looking for some answers. The article was right on, at least for me. I love my husband a lot and he is my best friend. (Although from time to time I have to remind myself that a female best friend is far different than a male best friend with whom you share a bathroom, kitchen, kids, etc. - more on that later). However, I find myself angry with him a lot and I was hoping this article would help.

The article touched on the topics of housework, parenting, "me time" and all the things we fight about constantly. And while it did make me feel better that I wasn't alone, it didn't offer me any insight into how to stop the anger, aside from "talk to your husband." Seriously?! My problem is that I have talked to my husband until I am blue in the face; that is when the yelling comes in, as if some how the volume level of my voice will actually make him listen.

As women we take on a lot of things, partly by choice (because lets face it, we usually do it better) and partly out of necessity (because if we don't do it, it just wouldn't get done). And as we get older and we have a bigger house, more kids, more activities, more responsibilities at work, it only gets worse. There are a lot of days where I wish that I had a wife cause lets face it, the husband usually gets off easy.

As I read on through stories of women like myself who are upset because they know they married smart, capable men who can make million dollar deals at work but can't figure out how to run the dishwasher, I felt myself getting angry. My husband was sitting next me while I read the article and thought I was stupid for reading an article that was making me mad at him when he hadn't actually done anything. But isn't that always the way; they forget quickly while we are mad and move on. But its not so easy for us - at least not for me. I tend to let the anger build and fester and once a month I let my hormones take over. And while my husband chaulks it up to PMS, I try to explain that I am angry for a reason, but maybe just more verbal about it today. Its not usually just one thing. If he just left the dirty dish on the counter right above the dishwasher I might over look it. But add that with the dirty laundry on the floor, the empty cup in the living room, the time spent playing hockey, and don't get me started on golf season...my temperature starts to rise.

My husband did take the time to tell me the other day that he appreciates everything I do for our family and he loves me very much. I know I am lucky that he gets it from time to time. But honestly, I would rather never hear those words and have him clean the kitchen without having to be asked. So the question arises - why the hell are most men like this? Is it in their DNA, do they take some kind of class along the way? Has society told them that they don't need to learn these skills? Did their mothers ruin them for us? And I have to admit that with my four boys I do tend to take care of them a little too much cause quite honestly its easier than fighting with them...so I guess I am part of the problem.

So my ultimate question is how do we stop being so angry and how do we get our men to help out more? I guess at the end of the day, the article didn't offer any solutions because if there were any, there wouldn't be an article (hope you follow that logic). I know I love my husband and at the end of the day I am lucky. He does make me laugh, he is a great dad and from time to time he realizes how much I do for our family. But I still say that I should leave him to fend for himself from a Tuesday to Thursday, driving the kids all over creation, doing laundry, cooking, and trying to work while I go to the spa - anyone want to join me?